QUESTIONS OF FAITH

A friend complained to me, having to adhere to certain strict rules in religion of his wife, in order to have their marriage solemnized by a priest. He is a devout Buddhist while his wife is a staunch Catholic. (Yes – I am well aware that Buddhism is not a religion, but an education or way of life).

And to top it up, we have the Da Vinci Code to keep people from all over the world questioning their faith.

As a free thinker, I do not want to take anyone’s side. I believe all religions are good in their own way. It is always some deviations which have created so much problems in any religion. It is quite sad that some people have different interpretation and arguments over the same faith or abuses their religion to make monetary gains, or to fulfill their greed and lusts.

He is not the only friend who has got this problem. I have seen a few cases where a boyfriend or a girlfriend is still with their respective spouses; despite having different beliefs.

A close friend from Seremban and her boyfriend of 7 years were from different religious backgrounds. She is a Buddhist and her husband to be is a Catholic. I went to their wedding ceremony in Seremban and this is the first time I had a vegetarian wedding dinner. It was quite hilarious as, most of the dishes were made from tau foo; we could not finish the dinner past the third meal because the dishes were way too filling.

Okay.. I am deviating from what I am trying to say here…

When my girlfriend offered joss sticks to her ancestors and bowing down to the Buddha statues and her parents, her husband was nice enough to pay respects as well, even if without holding joss sticks. This is what I called compromising. At least, he did not stand far away or scowl as the prayer ceremony was being carried out.

Today, my girlfriend is still happily married and going to church and her daughter has been baptized in full Catholic tradition.

There is another case where a dear friend who is an agnostic. It took love to make this man; who made a joke of Jesus (Asking why Jesus cannot take M&Ms – because he has holes in his hand) – to turn into a Christian. He cut his long mane, quit smoking and took out his ear rings, all in the name of love. Sometimes I wonder whether he is doing this for the sake of love or his true beliefs for Christ itself. I believe it is a bit of both as he is now happily married and living an honest Christian life.

A few cases ended up in ugly divorces. My friend is a Protestant while his wife is a Roman Catholic. As the eldest son, his mother wanted him to get married in their church badly, as his family is quite prominent in the small town of Ipoh. But his wife insisted to get married in her Roman Catholic church, so much so that it displeased the future mother in law greatly.

After 4 years of over-compromising – she "hi-jacked" the husband to her church instead of attending her mother-in-law’s church, restraint her two children from going to their grandmother’s church altogehter; they split up (of course due to other problems as well). It’s way ridiculous as that both are also Christians.

Another ridiculous case was; a friend and his wife, planned to have a registration ceremony in Thean Hou temple – as it is easier and less cumbersome compared to registering in government offices. He had checked beforehand whether the in-laws are okay with it as they are staunch Catholics and they gave their blessings. After all, it was merely a registration ceremony and there will be no rituals of any kind being conducted.

Much to his dismay, when the day arrived, the brother-in-law came to check out the registration counter and went berserk to see a Buddha figurine on the table where the couples would be sitting to sign their marriage registration forms. He made a fuss by saying that they should remove the Buddha figurine before the mother in law comes.

They created quite a scene and it was quite an embarrassing sight. They ended up signing papers outside the waiting counter without the Buddha figurine. It was quite good that the Registrar tried their best to accommodate these people.

I felt it was kind of absurd to have agreed at the first place and then made a scene on the big day itself. To prove that you are a staunch good Catholics doesn’t mean you have to be so petty over things such as this. If you believe your God is the greatest, you shouldn’t be overly concerned about a Buddha figurine on the table, and you should be teaching your own daughter not to have pre-marital sex (she was 6 months pregnant when they tie the knot).

I guess it is not the matter of principles when it comes to conflict of religions in a relationship. It is more towards compromising and having compassion for your partner. I believe, if you love him or her, you would do anything to please your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to fake it or to give it all to make your partner happy. You also have to understand what you are getting into when you are dating a person from a different religion.

When it comes to marriage, everything will be compromised.

I believe the question to be asked here, is not where are your principles? It is a question of how much you are willing to sacrifice for love.

It doesn’t serve any purpose also if you were being forced to do something for the sake of pleasing your partner. Whatever it is that you do, you have to do it sincerely and whole heartedly.

It takes two to tango. One needs to be ready to bend certain rules and regulations in order to make each other happy. You cannot be having your way all the time.

I didn’t say you have to sacrifice your religion all for the sake of love. You need to prioritize which is more important to you. I guess a couple needs to have a serious discussion on what makes both of them comfortable and try to reach an amicable solution, rather than having put through something that either one of them would totally loathed.

I believe, in this life, our work is to discover our world and then with all our hearts give ourselves to it. If you have found your world in your partner, you ought to strive hard to give your heart to him/her.

There is no tailored made solution for this kind of conflict. But those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace. I wish this friend all the best in whatever decisions he is going to make and take, and hope that understanding and compromises will prevail.