CRISIS

I am quite disappointed with myself that I am beginning to fret even if I were to make a simple decision. I used to be more assertive when it comes to what I want. Clear cut. No hesitation till the extent of being heartless at times. Nowadays, I don’t really know what I want.

I am changing a job this coming March. It was sooner than I thought it would be. The job landed on my lap just because of another person’s misfortune. Nothing to do with hitting below the belt to get it, it was just meant to be. The previous employee just left because she was sick. Very sick in fact.

The initial thought of getting a job near home is like a dream come true. Gone are the days of waking up at wee hours in the morning, braving the horrendous jams, the car park that closes sharp at 8 pm – restricting my time to ease the shopaholic in me lurking in KLCC every now and then, expensive food, sudden flood if there was a heavy rain, the cranky elevators, etc.

The current job offers more in terms of remuneration and perks. Free parking, free driver (car pool), uniform (no, it’s not a manufacturing firm), free yoga classes, line dancing classes, just to name a few. I would be doing something slightly different from what I am doing now. It is going to be more challenging as the new job scope would involve in some operations. I was excited and scared at the same time. Working in a new environment always scares me. Believe me. Even if I had changed my job numerous times, I still get the jitters like every other new employee in a new company.

The thought of not letting people down, especially those closest and dearest to you, scares me. That is why I was a bit stressed out over the past 2 weeks, contemplating on the move. Further, it is not fair for Sugar, as she is now expecting her second child. It was a good thing that she wasn’t in the trimester that I am leaving. It pains me to see her struggling to clear the workload all by herself. I had been trying to scout a suitable candidate for her, the moment I stepped out of the interview 2 weeks ago. I had been doing in advance, the things I am supposed to do in 6 months, to ensure she doesn’t have to do much when I am gone.

I am going to miss the juicy gossips we shared, the stories of her little son, the look of awe on her face whenever I told her about the fast paced life that I am living as opposed to her ordinary one, teaching her practically all vulgar words you could find in Cantonese/Hokkien, how her 3 year old son began to say “Wah Lau Eh” because of me, and most of all, her patience in dealing with the cranky me.

To aggravate the level of stress, all of a sudden, a few old flames popped out of nowhere in full force, all calling me at the same time – trying to keep in touch for the coming new year. They wanted to catch up to see how I have been doing.

My confusion was further added with sudden flash backs of the good old times and reliving the pain that I had been through. The bottled up feelings in my once hollow soul were way too much to bear. And to make the matter worse, I decided to pour my angst on the people who were nice to me, especially someone who had been truly good to me even if we haven’t met. I am truly sorry.

Tonight, I met him for the first time. We had a quiet dinner at some nice, cozy Thai restaurant near Bkt Ceylon right after my Nihon-go class. It was perfect. He made my day. Thank you, Takeshi. Hope he would reap more karma from the good deeds he has done and, may he always be well and happy.