THAILAND – THE LAND OF SMILES

There are only two types of weather in Thailand,
hot and very hot.
- Ah Lek, the tourist guide -

One piece of advice when you go to Bangkok-Pattaya – bring towels, light clothing, comfortable shoes, a hat/cap, sun block, umbrella, sun glasses and drink lotsa coconuts. I think I had about 15 coconuts in my 4-day stay in Thailand.

Bangkok, the capital of Thailand is a bustling city. I would love to go again to this city on a free and easy package if given another chance. Pattaya, comparatively speaking is quieter than Hadyai and Phuket. This time, I went with my ex colleagues – 45 of them altogether. It is a group of companies’ trip. Wang Loi, Yabba, Ms Tambi, just to name a few.

Being in a tour group has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages are; you get to catch up with your old friends, do not have to crack your head/ squabbling among each other to arrange itinerary on your own, don’t have to stop to ask for directions when the locals hardly speak English and get better deals in terms of exchange rates, food and accommodation.

The downside of it, you have to wake up as early as 6.30 a.m. (It’s a holiday! Hello! Nobody wakes up at 6.30 a.m. on a holiday!), every stop at the places of interest is timed, you cannot say NO to shopping as it is part of the itinerary and you cannot plan your own menu. (I don’t think I want to eat Chinese food in Thailand).

The stories on the Bangkok-Pattaya trip would be posted individually, on per day basis, as it would be too long to read at one go.

Pattaya – Day 1

We went to Pattaya on the first day as soon as we landed at the Bangkok airport. In Pattaya, according to Ah Lek, is the land of freedom. Transvestites and transsexuals are normal here, you don’t get people gawking at them. Heterosexuals and homosexuals are free to have sex with whomever they want or could afford to pay. Well, of course we didn’t get to do all that since we are staying with another colleague in the same room…. Unless, both consent to have an orgy or group sex in their room.

Tiger Farm/Crocodile Farm

Due to flight delay, we were whisked away to have lunch first, before going to the crocodile and tiger farm in Chonburi. In the tiger farm, you would get to see cubs suckling at the nipples of a huge sow and piglets suckle at the tigress’ nipples. Animals are free to play with each other – tiger, dog and pig (except the pig – it was sleeping while the tiger and dog played) in the same exhibition room. It is quite disturbing to see this actually.. if different animals can live harmoniously with each other in the same room, why can’t human put their differences aside and work together?

As usual, there is a crocodile show. *Yawn*

The highlight of the trip is a clever pig named Ton Ton, answering simple arithmetic given to him by tourists. Ask him any question from addition, multiplication, subtraction, division – as long as the answers do not exceed no. 6, he could answer your questions without a hitch.

We were taken to have a Thai massage after we freshen ourselves up in the 3-star Caesar Palace hotel in Pattaya.

Thai Massage

The massage was not as good as the one I had in Hadyai. The masseurs were not very professional – the masseurs yakked with each other in Thai while massaging us. Some of them talked on the cell phones while giving massage (they should ban cell phones in the massage parlor like the cinema), Ms Tambi practically sunk into her mattress but was not able to yell for help when one of the masseur stepped on her small framed body; almost suffocating her. Some colleagues got really lucky when one of the masseurs flashed her boobs to show them how firm they were because she massaged them everyday and offered them service to massage their boobs. As for my masseur – she was only in this business for a month! I think I am suffering from some minor internal injury after the session.

We even expected to tip them for their lousy job, or they would be very disgruntled. I tipped my one-month-old masseur 100 baht.

Dinner was as horrific as the massage. We left feeling our tummy not satisfied and vowed to go food hunting after dinner.

Fake Tiger Show

Since I am the only one who had not watched Tiger Show – even if I had been to Thailand twice – Hadyai and Phuket, I decided to go this time. I managed to drag one of the directors along, later, was joined by other rather shy colleagues. At the X Club, we were utterly disappointed that, instead of pure Tiger Show, we were presented with a few scenes of women touching themselves or each other while bathing, and they were not even fully naked. It was a sheer ripped off for paying 600 baht for nothing! We only need to pay 300 baht in Hadyai for a fully naked PURE Tiger Show.

The few poorly choreographed scenes, about 8 of them were repeated throughout the night: Woman bathing to Titanic Song, a midget fondled by 4 sexy ladies in Shanghai song, Spiderwoman and spiderman making out on the spider web (two actors climbed the railings to have fake oral sex), two women having fake lesbian sex, three women touching themselves and each other in shower, one woman and two men in futuristic costume having fake robotic sex, two men dancing in some cheap superman underwear and then, the show repeated itself. No wonder some of the patrons left half way through the show. They had seen the same thing repeated.

I was furious that I made a lot of noise – much to the amusement of some patrons who suffered the same fate, as we bumped into them while shopping in Mike Shopping Center, which is near to the X Club.

After the sleazy show and shopping at the equally sleazy Mike Shopping Centre, we walked about the night market near our hotel and didn’t buy anything as we were saving up for Cha-Tu-Chak on the last day.