DATELESS IN SELAYANG

For the past few days, I had been spending time with an ex colleague of mine, Cili Padi, yakking just about anything under the sun. Apart from bitching the usual stuffs about work, the two of us lamented over the fact that we lack of dates. Both of us seem to have the same taste in men – age, looks, what wheels the men drive, etc don’t matter, we are prone in dating non-Chinese or half Chinese, men with incredible wit, and most men we are seriously interested in are usually taken. Just too bad.

Cili Padi complained about men she dated, telling her – the right person always comes at the wrong time. Whereas for me, the men I dated, used to tell me – the right person always comes in the wrong size.

It has been sometime since I last dated. Most of my dates come from the internet. In fact, I met most of my good friends online – James, Kat, Pilot Boy, Ed, just to name a few.

Well, going out with Ed does not count for obvious reason. Sekinchan Boy doesn’t count either because he thinks I am a man and I think of him otherwise. The Monk and I slept on the same bed and yet nothing happened, except both of us snored till morning and he had to fart while sleeping. Takeshi, well, we are merely BKT connoisseurs and he calls me “dude”.

I kinda miss the good old days when I dated ferociously. Call me promiscuous or whatever – I used to date 7 men in a year.

So, where have the good cowboys gone?

I am not particular about looks coz I am not a looker myself. God made my mother pretty – unfortunately, all her genes are recessive. The only nice thing I inherited from my mother is probably half of her million-dollar smile.

I am okay to date a man as long as he takes care of his personal hygiene. Before your mind starts to run wild on possible bedroom romps, let me give you an example.

I once went out with a guy whose eyes were so red and watery. Shit kept on oozing out from his eyes, while we were having tom yam. As he was talking to me, he kept on rubbing his eyes, and then wiped it on his shirt. I tried to remain optimistic but his eyes were uncooperative. He blamed it on lack of sleep. The scene from Ally McBeal disgusted over the lack of table manners of her date kept playing in my mind that instant.

At the end of the day, I seriously don’t think I could go out with someone with no basic personal hygiene. He could always arrange another day of meeting, when his eyes decided not to give him too much trouble.

As I am quite a practical person, I don’t think there would be any fairy tale like dates in this era of dating. You know – the love at first sight thingy or you-are-made-for-me kinda shit. Apart from the few amusing people that I had dated, there were also a few men who couldn’t wait to get into my pants (and I thought I have no sex appeal).

A colleague of mine asked me today whether I would like to join her to register at MCA Cupid’s Club to try our luck. I politely declined and wished her all the best. She complained lack of men too; at the same time, telling me, she doesn’t really like socializing. HUH? Then how the heck are you supposed to get to know men? You have to go out! I doubt men would come knocking at your door if you live like a nun.

Some friends find it rather odd that I never find anyone despite having such a large circle of friends. Instead, I helped in pairing up other friends. They said I should be doing this favor for myself first. Well, nobody would be interested in a woman looking like the blue mascot of TMNet.

We wish it were as simple as our parents’ yesteryears. My mother met my dad in the amusement park; where my mum worked. My dad, a soldier then, went to the park for some entertainment to kill time. They courted and got married.

My boss, Sugar, met her husband in a Christmas party. Speaking of which, Sugar tried to relive her success by match making me with her husband’s eligible friends when I went to her house warming party late last year. The plan fell flat because she was making it too obvious and I couldn’t forget the look on the men’s faces when being introduced. Some of them were rather shy and some of them shocked. I guess, anyone would be rudely shocked to be introduced to the uglier version of TMNet Mascot. Two out of six men (not bad lah, score 33%) gave me their business cards (proud to say they are the cuter ones – ha ha!!) – but I have misplaced them. Shame on me. Opportunity flying off the window, just like that.

Hotbabe YY wanted to introduce me to this hairy hunk by asking me to join them for a movie in Mid Valley. (She showed me a partly naked picture of him taken in their Redang trip – Ooo.. nose bleed). I did go but I was too tired to stay. I bid them goodbye after the movie and didn’t even look at the hairy guy in flesh before I left. There were some other girlfriends ogling and practically swarming him – that was why I didn’t even had the chance to have a proper look at him.

Anny – aiyoh.. She mailed me many pictures of her eligible friends for me to choose from. Macam catalogue book ala Vietnam Bride? But this one comes free of charge. Ha ha.

Over the weekend, my third aunt asked me if I needed help to find a partner. I just looked aloof and pretended I was a wax dummy.

I know my friends and relatives meant well. Even fate (during one “kow chim” session in temple) told me I should use the service of an intermediary in order to find the match. But, I think, probably it was meant for me to be alone.

Or I was just telling a friend – maybe I should change my sexual orientation and be a lesbian, as I seemed to score better luck with women. I wonder when will Snow invite me to her all-lesbians pool side party again? Wah.. those tiny bikinis!!

Hot Momma Sharon came to town last week and we went out for coffee. She told me about her Indonesian maids – having sex every night with different Bangladeshi guys. She even caught them red handed doing it under an unused truck. Geez. Even maids are luckier?!

Ah well, probably you people think I am such a fussy pot. How to be fussy when I have no choice at all? I would like to think this as a natural selection. Probably I just don’t have the good genes to propagate that God made me a spinster.

I could never find someone who would at least love me as I am and pray for a better luck in my next life. I wish Cili Padi good luck though.