FRIENEMY

I got this word from an article in the Star a few months ago. I couldn’t help but flinched at the thought of having frienemies.

Frienemy is a word derived from Friend + Enemy. I might sound like a bloody hypocrite if I say I don’t have a frienenemy. Frankly speaking, I think everyone does have a frienemy, whether they realize it or not.

Lai Ma once told me she had a good time with her classmates in school and how they always asked her to be in the group whenever they go out for an outing. It didn’t look that rosy on the other side of the story. Some shallow friends even had the cheek to tell me that, they were merely using her because she was the only one with a bigger car, That was the sole reason that they hang out with her. I was shocked beyond words and thought of ways to break it to her subtly.

I cautiously warned her to be careful and always keep her eyes wide open when it comes to having friends – to check if they have ulterior motives. But she seemed happy that she was able to go out with the popular gang and chided me for being a wet blanket or accused me for being obviously jealous of her hanging out kakis. I dismissed this as an utter waste of time and let her do as she pleased till she discovered about the ugly truth herself.

A friend once told me, “I am not going to burn my bridges. Who knows, I might need her help in the future?” when I told her to ignore the friend who has been giving her hell by being ridiculously pretentious. Yes – I agree. No man is an island, we are interconnected with each other, it’s Hobson’s choice.

But how far can you tolerate your frienemy?

For example, how could you keep a friend who seemed to be very nice to you and yet laughed behind your back? How could you keep a friend, who always have breakfast with you on weekends, yet bad mouthed about your bad taste in men? How could you keep a friend who tells the world about your affair with other people’s husbands? How could you keep a friend, who always bring you down and never offer a word of comfort? How could you be friends with a friend who never see good in others? How could you tolerate friends who always take advantage of you because you are just too nice? How much longer can you tolerate friends who never offer help when you needed it the most?

I cannot tolerate this kind of friendship – I would rather end the friendship. Some people might think I could say that because I have so many friends. I do have many friends as I believe, if you like your friends to treat you good, you should start by being good to them. Good begets good. Evil begets evil. Many is just a number – it is not important. I would prefer to have quality friends, which I am grateful to say, most of my friends are.

One thing about me is, when I give my friendship – I give it wholeheartedly. If I think my friendship does not mean anything to you, I maintain my distance.

I have my own way to deal with my friends. I would give my friends personal attention. I remember your likes and dislikes, your mom’s specialty dish, your medical appointments, your most embarrassing moments, your preference for tomato ketchup instead of chilli sauce, etc and would not hesitate if you need a helping hand. I remember every word you tell me. And whether you like or not, I give you a piece of my mind to keep you in touch with reality and both your feet firmly on the ground, rather than bitching about you behind your back.

It simply amazes me that certain friends are able to tolerate someone they loathe so much and still hang out with them occasionally. I would rather stay put at home, with a good book or watch some tv than to waste time listening to their non sensical crap and feeding their empty ego. Sometimes, ignorance is indeed bliss. Instead of putting a superficial face and treat as if nothing has happened, I would rather avoid this kind of friends like a plague. I think it is a sheer waste of time to be with people who don’t appreciate you for who you are.

I am not painting a picture of myself being holier than thou either. I didn’t say I am all goodie goodie. I am also human and I would bad mouth about other friends to others – which I think is a tasteless tactic of oneself and I should stop doing so, which I eventually did and asked for forgiveness.

As I grow older (and wiser – hopefully), I find it easier to forgive people for their shortcomings and look within myself to improve the areas that I am lacking, so I would be a better friend. We cannot change the behavior in others – but we could take the initiative to change ourselves.

Since it is unavoidable, (the “No Man’s an Island” theory) it is alright to have frienemies. I guess as long as we play our cards right, we have nothing to worry about. As long as you don’t let them get to you, it is fine. If it is going beyond that, and started to challenge your beliefs and sanity, I guess it is better to cut lose. Illustratively speaking, it is better to lose an arm with leprosy, rather than keeping it and letting it spread to the entire body.