DISEASES AND SYMPTOMS

* This is intended to be a joke. You know joke – as in fun? Poking fun at people is fun, even if it could be mean at times.

I was very annoyed yesterday morning when I couldn’t comprehend a word Sekinchan Boy was saying on MSN. Out of frustration and feeling utterly annoyed, I came up with this:-

Disease: Penyakit LBS (aka Sekinchan Boy)

Symptoms: Unclear speech, muffling when making speech, trying hard to get across to people what you are trying to say, terover-over buy insurance, drive more than 200 km per day to and fro work, then complain about it – yet never do anything about it, never listen to other people’s advice, like durians too much, think he himself is God.

The cure: Chances of cure is next to none.

After that, there’s no stopping me anymore. I think this is a nasty way to point out a friend’s bad habits but it’s fun! (even it is very mean and some people might not be able to take it, but this is me lah. To be fair, I mock myself first). This list consists of people who attended WY’s birthday bash .. except Caroline. I don’t know what to write about this woman coz she is too nice.

Disease: Penyakit Gina

Symptoms: Overly conceited. Overuse of sarcasm. Sometimes PMS always get in the way. Get easily frustrated. Unforgiving. “I am ALWAYS RIGHT AND SCREW YOU” attitude. Can be quite anal when provoked (Heck, not provoked also lah). Cannot control gluttony. Extremist – you are lucky if she likes you and if she hates you – that’s the end of you. Talks too much.

To cure: Probably will recover by removal of the stick stuck to the ass.

Disease: Penyakit WY

Symptoms: Falling in love helplessly with the WRONG MEN (read: attached), tendency to bake cakes for people to show affection, enjoys taking public transport too much, will indulge in any activity that involve men participation, oblivious about things surrounding her – ignorance sometimes is indeed bliss.

To cure: Get laid soon.

Disease: Penyakit Ms Lactose

Symptoms: Sudden movement of body in presence of music, irregardless of place. Develop killer eyes – she can be a stone cold bitch if you don’t know her at first. Throw tantrums on selected people at times. Tend to be very nice to people who treat her like a door mat. Very bad luck with car and men.

To cure: Actually this disease is not that bad at all. Probably need to pray more often and give more joss sticks and joss papers offerings during major Chinese festivals to counter off the bad luck with the car and MEN!

Disease: Penyakit Ed

Symptoms: Very domesticated. Very pat poh at times. Quite crafty. Can stir a storm in the kitchen. Too nice to be true at times.

To cure: Ed is a Goddess. You don’t need a cure.

Disease: Penyakit Tiffany

Symptoms: Behave like a porn star even in public places (only verbally, unfortunately). “Prostitute” is her standard answer when people asked her what’s her profession. Her job title is Suck-cock-tary. Too pretty, sometimes people wonder if she did go for a little nip and tuck. Ability to illustrate a situation by acting.

To cure: Winning an academy award for porn star category.

Disease: Penyakit CK

Symptoms: Tend to spend more than earn. Packaging is everything! Parasiting on gullible friends. Ignoring friends when you found your other half. (Actually this is quite common. You don't have to have diseases for this symptom). Keep on complaining about your other half and yet, never do anything about it. (Something similar to Penyakit LBS – complain complain, no action, but less chronic – at least he is getting laid).

To cure: There is no cure for people who are in love with genitals. When he is out of love, probably a tight slap would do him good.

Well, just to let my friends know, I love them very much, despite having terrible diseases... but please don't infect me.

THE LITTLE ONE

Sasha in all her glory

Sasha turned four years old on Oct 24. She came to my house when she was merely two months old, and she was such a darling. No late nights feeding and she woke up with a cute smile on her face in the morning. We thought this one was such a gem but boy! We are so wrong! She turned into a monster the moment she took her first crawl.

This is Sasha who refuses to go to school till today.

This is Sasha who still wants her pacifier.

This is Sasha who asked me if I were blind when I asked her where my stuffs are.

This is Sasha who would sulk when you don't give her what she wanted.

This is Sasha who pisses the shit out of you when she couldn’t stop crying.

This is Sasha who always has things her way.

This is Sasha who willingly gives you a back rub or massage when you are watching tv.

This is Sasha who is more than happy to help out with the house chores. (She likes using the broom very much)

This is Sasha whom we love to bits.

One day, when it’s time for her to leave us, it would feel like we are losing our arms or legs. She is a part of us, even if she is only staying here temporarily. We hope she would grow up to be a fine lady one day. *Keeping fingers crossed*

NOT AN ANSWER

The deafening quietness
Soaking violently
On this heartless soul
Like dampness
On dried crunch leaves

Hatred, much less love
Wrath, much less compassion
Small little world
Turning chaotic

Where is…
Heart of forgiveness
Hands for blessings
Warm smiles

Hope fades
Unhappiness looms
Heart turning into
Cold stones

Depressed souls
Gentle wretched
Are lost beings
Beyond reach

Where is the light
The darkest of night
The flicker of hope
Reaching for the rope

The rope around my neck
The first day break
Flashes of memories
One last breath

Darkness, utterly darkness
Smog thickens
Red inferno
Swallow me whole

A poem inspired by a friend’s story. Her good friend committed suicide recently by hanging herself in the bedroom. There is always a solution for every problem. Seek help. Do not linger. There is more to this life as life is larger than life itself. Live it to the fullest.

For the living, keep an eye on those beside you. You will never know when they are going to leave you.

Forgiveness is a hard word to swallow. But when there is some in your heart, it would make this life way easier.

I am trying my best.

AFTERMATH

After being at home alone for 5 days, I somewhat love the feeling of being left alone. No noise. Nobody telling you what to do. No unwanted phone calls. Nobody to fuss over you. No unwanted guests that pissed the shit out of you. I did not have problems sleeping alone from the 3rd night onwards - which is a miracle. I think it's time to scout for my own loft.

After 5 days:-

1. The fish is not dead yet. (Hooray!)
2. I kept the house spick and span.
3. The house is still there - not burnt down because of my dad's carelessness with the stove.
4. I remembered to place joss sticks for the gods in my house - unfailingly.
5. The underwear issue still irk the shit out of me as they (the culprit: Mom, Sis and Fucking Moronic Boyfriend) were not even apologetic.
6. I didn't succeed in committing suicide (not taking hypertensive pills for 5 days so that I get stroke and eventually die - in relation to item (5).
7. My room is so darn clean now.
8. I believe in feng shui.
9. Some friends are just not there when you needed them the most.
10. I can live without Astro.

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE

Home Alone Day #4

This morning, I woke up pretty pissed off that the stupid internet is STILL not working. Even as I am typing this now, the stupid internet is not working. @#$%^&* I probably have to post it when I go to office on Thursday.

Astro has gone to Taiping, the DVD player in my room is not working, the tv is full of crappy program, and now, the internet is gone?!

Gawd.. then how do I get over this torture?

Well, instead of wallowing in self pity, let me count my blessings for today:-

1. I dropped my RM10 when I went to ta pao breakfast this morning. I think it somehow dropped when I opened my house gate to get in. When I realized it was gone, I went outside my gate to look for it but it was not there. Being hungry, I ate breakfast first. Then I decided to go out to look for it – to trace from the trail I took home. I was darn lucky. I found it right behind my house. A cyclist with his eagle eye spotted the note on the road. As he was about to stop and wanted to grab it, I said to him – “Hello! That’s my money!” He apologized. That was close. I went to pick up the money.

2. I went to One Utama and invited JK for a movie: The Silk to kill boredom. JK in turn invited Frankie. One U was packed to the brim. Jesus! I thought KL would be practically empty with hordes of people going back to hometowns for the big celebrations. Boy.. was I wrong! Somehow, I managed to get a parking spot within 15 mins. I consider this - a miracle.

3. The Silk is not that scary after all. I thought I am gonna have sleepless nights, which bound to happen whenever I watched a horror movie. It was crap. Apart from some hilarious scenes where the beef noodles seller made a remark in Hokkien when a guy got strangled to death after eating beef noodles by a ghost that emerged from the bloody big bowl itself and the female ghost doing pole dancing thingy on the train in the subway, it was pretty forgettable. But I think the Chinese hero is pretty damn hot though!

4. Oh gawd!! I got my internet back at 12.16 am just now!!! YOO HOO!!!!! I ain’t gonna disconnect till the next morning! I think I better remember to pay my bills!

5. Funny! JK sms me and told me there was a power failure in his housing area as he showered. Serve him right for scaring me to death by saying tonight there will be a power failure in my house and I will have to sleep alone in the dark!! Hahaha! Guess who has the final laugh now?

6. I almost went into the men’s toilet (2x) when I was in One U and luckily managed to realize it before the men start screaming, while holding their “thing” standing at the urinary.

7. I heard that my late grandma's home in Taiping is flooded!!! It was a good thing that I wasn't there! Have to clean up. Susah man!! The mechanic and my stupid sis are gonna clean the house up! Yay! How evil of me! Sorry, but I can't help feeling evil about this. Well, I clean your bloody underwear, and now you have to clean up the flood. For the first time in my life, I witness a retribution this fast! Heh! I hope my family is alright though.

8. It was very nice of JK and Frankie to keep me company (listening to my rubbish) for the rest of today, or else I would have been stuck at home, watching some inane stuff on tv. Thanks for your time.

GIRLY STUFF

Home Alone Day #3

Tried to sleep last night but not without difficult. My imagination ran wild, thinking of the horror stories we discussed over coffee after our bowling session. I kept on picturing a long hair lady ghost was plastered on the ceiling above my bed. Man! This overactive brain of mine would exhaust itself in a few years if I don’t stop thinking about useless things.

Today I decided to do some girly stuff. I went to meet up WY and May for coffee at noon in Mid Valley. I went early to avoid not getting any parking spot. Even with the holidays, there were still people in KL – loads of them and they were all in Mid Valley! Not a good choice for meeting point on holidays and weekends.

Congratulations to May, a colleague of WY’s on the coming wedding. She did make a lot of effort in getting ready for the wedding and the preparation was so tedious. She planned everything, from guest list to what food to eat, her own make up, her wedding gowns… even to the minute detail such as printing 3 colored invitation cards with personal touch. I particularly like them because the cards look more like Christmas than a wedding, unlike cliché Chinese wedding cards – all in red.

As I am typing this, there is a loud sound of meriam buluh outside my house. It felt like we were in a middle of an Iraqi war (I just finished watching The Three Kings, starred George Clooney, Mark Warlberg and Ice Cube). Just hope that we don’t get to read untoward news the next morning of missing fingers or limbs in the newspapers.

And damn.. I can’t connect to the stupid internet. Paying so much for broad band huh? I wonder when will Malaysia ever live up to the so called Cyber age with the lousy connection… and what multimedia super corridor bullshit? We never heard any news ever since Bill Gates “donated” RM1 million. It’s so bloody primitive.

Okay, let’s not get political here. I don’t want this to be an upsetting post.

Airellis, Manjalara, Kepong

After coffee, Ms Lactose and I made an appointment to go to Airellis Esthetics and Studio in Manjalara, run by a friend of mine. Airellis is actually a sub brand from the well renowned Dermalogica for sensitive skin. It’s quite easy on the pocket as well, a much cheaper version. (with sluggish economy, we would do anything to save some money – even when it comes to beauty).

I went for the body massage and steam bath (RM98) whereas Ms Lactose was there to try the RM48 offer for facial (for first trial only).

One thing I really like about Aerellis products is that, it is not drying. My years of Cellnique usage had somewhat cause dryness to my skin (probably sign of getting old?). Cellnique is really good but somehow, over the years, probably regular usage of it had somewhat diminish the glowing effect that I used to enjoy when I first started using Cellnique.

Airellis uses aromatheraphy and leaning more towards natural herbal ingredients. I will give it a try to see whether it works.

For more information on Airellis, kindly contact:-

Airellis Esthetics & Wellness Studio
30, Jalan Medan Putra 3
Medan Putra Business Centre
Bandar Manjalara
52200 Kepong
Kuala Lumpur
(T) 03-6277 1804

COCKROACH, SPIDER, FIGHTING FISH AND THE BOYS

Home alone day #2

I was online till I sent my dad at the door at 2.30 am; to ensure he locks everything properly. It’s not wise to take the risks of staying home alone with an unlocked door. It happens a few times (the not locking door properly). Can’t blame him. He’s 62 years old and can be very clumsy and gullible.

I was happy to see WY online but she left abruptly after she said she will be right back. DOTA is more important than friends now.

Hit the sack at 4 am after reading a few chapters on the Time Traveler’s Wife. I tried reading “The Evil Hour” by Gabriel Marquez but it was a bit too dry to continue. My bed was littered with books half read – The Evil Hour, Fit For Life, The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying and Changing Destiny.

Was contemplating not to take vegetarian today. There is no point to observe vegetarian for nine days (in conjunction with the Ninth Emperor’s Festival) with an unclear mind. Being upset with sister, at the same time bearing a lot of grudges towards the dumbass mechanic – well, I doubt I would accumulate any merits being vegetarian with a tainted soul. How ah? Sigh.

Spring clean the house again to seek solace and peace. There was a cockroach in the bathroom which I thought was dead. The moment I poured water on it to attempt to wash it away to the drain, it suddenly came to life! We warn dad not to lift up the lid to the drain in the bathroom every time he uses it, but he is too obstinate to listen. Hence our house was infested with cockroaches from the longkang occasionally.

As I was mopping the floor, I saw a spider sitting quietly on the Fresh and White toothpaste. After finished mopping, it was still there. Still and unmoving. I wonder what is it like to be a spider – do not need to suffer the consequences of being human. No depression, no disappointment, don’t have to work for a living, no heartache. If the spider is lucky enough, it would live through one life cycle of a few weeks (?). If not, it would be squashed or eaten. At least, it knew with certainty, death is quick.

The family has totally forgotten about the fighting fish. The fish belongs to my young cousin sis, who actually fish-sitting for a friend. She didn’t even remind me to feed the fish. I guess it was hungry when I fed it this morning. The fish attacked the pellets with gusto. Geez! That is why I don’t have pets. I could never remember feeding them. And now, with all the food pellets, the water turned murky. I would need to change the water. No need anti-chlorine one meh?! Another shit to do today. It better stay alive till the family comes back! I am sick and tired of being labeled – useless or hopeless by them.

The Monk came at about 2 pm for late lunch. Both of us were near starving. We decided on vegetarian since today is the first day in the lunar month. We caught up with old times, talking crap and gossiping about people that we both know. Heh! Defeats the purpose of going vegetarian with all the gossip eh? I killed a mosquito (aedes!) and some ants this morning too.. oh, what the hell.

There was not much progress concerning the Demented Duo: Koon and Kit. Koon’s habit of frequent visits to the Genting Casino is getting out of hand. He is starting to borrow money from the Supper Gang and other friends as well. It was disheartening to see people would be duped into believing that their luck will never run out. I was saddened by the thought that; instead of spending his time to make money for his old age while he is still young and able, he chose to idle the life away by gambling.

Kit had morphed into a more sociable person. He is usually quiet and has not much opinion of his own. Ever since he tried his luck to find a date via sms, he did muster up the courage to talk to people first. He has been texting non stop to his potential dates and even flirted with some of them, especially during supper time much to the Monk’s disgust.

He did go out for blind dates and not surprisingly, a lot of lonely hearts are horizontally-challenged people. Sad, but true.

When the Monk mentioned this, he did apologize first in order not to offend me. He said, every time Kit went to meet a girl, they would discuss the girl’s outward appearance, setting me as a benchmark. Bigger or smaller than Gina? Ah? That big ah??? Bigger than Gina ah?? Aiyoh.. habis… Yeah yeah! Very funny! Wait till I see them again in supper, they deserve a smack on their heads. Anyway, as I always try to look at the glass as half full than half empty, it was actually quite flattering that they still “include” me in their supper’s conversation, even if I hadn’t seen them for a year now.

At night, it was eventful. I joined Alex J and JK for bowling and I brought along Cili Padi with me. Haven’t been bowling for almost 5 or 6 freaking years – of course I sucked at it. More like longkang bowling. I had to solely depend on JK to tally the scores. Losers had to buy Coffee Bean. It was a standard practice.

We ended the night at Coffee Bean and talked till our voice box coarse. It was a fantastic night out. Cili Padi and I need some serious practice!

HOME ALONE DAY #1

I survived home alone day 1. Not exactly home alone, dad is around too, but he sleeps most of the time.

This morning, after the upsetting episode of being forced to wash someone else’s underwear, I tried to find some peace in domestic chores. It saddens me that some people that you really care about just do not have the common sense or sensitivity towards you. I was really disappointed.

I find cleaning up my room therapeutic. I started dusting after breakfast. It was a good move, as I cleaned up my room section by section, things that were lost a few months ago made their way out without being invited. I was shocked by the thickness of the dust. I was even more surprised to find I was no longer allergic to dust. I did sneeze a little, but not as bad as I previously would suffer after every dusting session – an entire day resting in bed with runny nose, polaramine and heaps of tissue paper.

I arranged all my VCDs and CDs in alphabetical order, discarding many, many slips from atm machines, credit cards, shopping receipts, re-arrange my books, putting the souvenirs bought from my travels into boxes – they were lying all over the room, throwing out unwanted magazine, etc. Geez. It was a pig sty. I wonder how I live with the dust for so long.

My day was cheered up a little when our friendly Indian neighbour gave us the annually Deepavali goodies. This year, the goodies consisted of mutton curry, chicken curry, putu mayam, coconut candies and cookies. The portions were good enough to last till tea time for me and dad.

After an exhausting spring cleaning, I took bath and napped. Plans to go out supper tonight with the Monk was cancelled because he has other arrangements. He promised to see me for lunch tomorrow and apologized profusely.

Well, it turned out to be good in the end. Ms Lactose stopped by my house by surprise and I joined her for dinner with her children in Lau Heong Sentul.

And.. I thought I couldn’t survive without Astro. The inconsiderate family members took the Astro card with them to Taiping and left me to rot at home without a cable tv. My very inconsiderate sister took my Ixus 50 and touch and go card. Thank goodness for 8tv. At least the programs are still watchable… and thank goodness for this blog.

DATING GINA

Well, after the hilarious post on my blind date a week ago, some fellas actually written to me and asked me out for blind dates, so that I could write more about dates and make fellow readers laugh - provided I don’t name names. Itu macam pun boleh kah?

Today, being a very mundane Wednesday, I drafted an application form for one potential candidate who expressed his willingness to be made fun of in this blog before dating me. (An idle mind is the devil's workshop). Click here or here for the application form and mail me. First come, first serve only. Limited to 10 dates only (At first, I thought of 50.. but, I am not at all greedy).

My apologies. *Blush* My inane sense of humour got the better of me today. Probably due to the fact that there will be a long holiday this coming week! Can’t wait for the long holidays! Happy holidays, Malaysians!

But I did mention about not dating people from the internet anymore. How ah? Heck. Most of my friends are from the internet, anyway... and I am such a slut!

HOME BEST KEPT SECRETS #2

Minced pork with potatoes and carrots

This is one of the reasons that I could never give up meat!

To prepare the pork:

Minced pork

Beat an egg and mix with minced pork. Add soya sauce to taste.

Mould the minced pork into balls and fry them in hot oil (lotsa oil)

Drain.

To prepare potato:

Sliced or dice them according to mood.

Fry them in hot oil.

Drain.

To prepare the sauce

Tumis some garlic in some oil.

Put a little water in the wok. Add oyster sauce.

Add sliced carrots. Simmer for a few minutes to let carrot cook.

Add chopped/sliced onions.

Final step

Put the pork balls and fried potato inside.

Simmer.

Voila! A taste of heaven!

Other recipes
Home Best Kept Secrets #1

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

Pics stolen from JK

I was invited to a potluck-BBQ-birthday party by Chubby and it was just another night out but with a twist. The birthday boys didn’t know that I am turning up as a surprise guest and I don’t even know one of the birthday boy, but heard some stuffs (good ones only) about them.

My mom as usual, bless her heart, she cooked something for me to bring it to the party. And I specially requested for JK’s favorite – the bubur cha cha, Chubby’s favorite – the kerabu mangga and the wine chicken further add up to the flavor for the night.

It was good to finally meet JK in person, a fellow blogger and also a good friend of Chubby’s. We spoken a bit over the internet for the past few months, mostly trying to outwit, outlast, outdo each other sarcastically.

I guess he was sort of at loss of words when he saw me in the kitchen, giving final touch to my kerabu mangga that he had to kick me in the butt. No handshake whatsoever. Just a kick in the butt.

He took several minutes to get his act together – I guess he was in a state of shock. Like I said earlier – a lot of people said, I am larger than life. Practically, they meant - I am larger IN life (as in size) - Speaking of which, VJ - the t-shirt that you gave me fits me perfectly! Thanks!

He was a shy guy and I did something which was so not me. I left him alone. In normal circumstances, I would torture the shit out of him. I made a few guys blushed in college that they had to tell me – “Oh man! Stop it! You make me feel so restless!!” and let out uncontrollable sighs and faces turned as red as cooked lobsters. See, JK, I was very nice to you.

Chubby & Amy – thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it pretty much.

Alex J – I would always remember his lethal fart. (Alex J: I don’t normally fart when I first met a person, but I just want to get on to Chubby and Amy!). He’s gonna sing in a charity concert this November. So, if you feel very charitable, please drop by. He promised not to fart.

Then, there was Piggy (her name rhymes with pork knuckles) and she was the host. I took her to Tanjung Sepat for makan makan before. One thing I would always remember about her was, when I told Alex J to eat up the panties (they had a jelly cake in the shape of a sexy lady in bikini) so that he would have better luck in Genting Casino, she asked me, whether does it work for ladies too? – almost very seriously.

Hahahahah!!!! She is so gullible! I guess every group of friends has a mangkok in their midst, so… Piggy should be the mangkok of the group. LOL!

Chubby’s sis-in-law also joined us for the party. She is a Thai. She was the woman behind the BBQ pit the entire night. She was very helpful and never complained about taking care of other people. Chubby’s brother is one lucky man.

It was a paparazzi night out. Cameras were snapping incessantly almost on anything – food and people alike. Sorry fellas, but I don’t really fancy my pics being taken.

One thing which amazed me was their bond. They were always together, even if they don’t meet that often but they do make an effort to go out and celebrate each others’ birthdays throughout the year.

They came from separate backgrounds, JK in IT, Chubby in Share Registration, Amy in consulting, Alex J in insurance company (not selling – so don’t worry about getting to know him . Hehe!), Piggy in a bank (lol, didn’t know it would rhyme) and Josh – other than knowing he is taking Mandarin class now, and his dad is selling some kick ass fruits, I didn’t know much. Sorry!

I guess the main ingredients for a friendship that last a lifetime are as follows:

1. You are not always right.
2. Do not try to smother your friends. Give them some breathing space.
3. Never take them for granted.
4. It’s always the thoughts that count.
5. Do not take advantage of them – financially, trust, etc.
6. You maybe a bitch, but they still love you. (Well, it's true in my case. Heh!)
7. Do not try to change them for who they are.
8. Always support them even if at times, they might behave irrationally.
9. Always lend a listening ear.
10. Togetherness in times of crisis.

Nobody’s perfect. But good friends will always give you a chance to redeem yourself and always be there for you.

I was glad to find that this group has the essential ingredients to maintain a life-long friendship.

Well, here’s wishing the 6 of them – friendship that grows from strength to strength and may happiness be with them always.

MORONS ON THE RADIO

Yesterday night, after dropping WY off her house, I was on my long way home. I decided to drive slowly while tuning up the radio. It has been awhile since I last driven alone with the radio on full blast. I miss these moments where I could gather thoughts running haphazardly through my mind, systematically analyze them, trying to discern a solution, and get to talk to myself out loud without other people noticing (shit, I am getting very imaginary nowadays) while miraculously reach home in one piece.

Since I was quite fed up with the songs on Mix.fm, it’s always the same, I decided to change channel. I turned on 98.8, the Chinese station.

It was Chan Fong’s "Aunt Agony" program where he’s gonna be bloody sarcastic to those hapless forlorn lovers who called up. This should be darn interesting!

Sometimes, you really feel like slapping those stupid callers who tried to air their grievances (stupidity) in public.

For instance, yesterday’s conversation was something like this (direct translation from Cantonese):

Caller No. 1

Caller: .. after six months, she decided to break up with me….. she said, I lied to her and I cheated her…

CF: What did you do?

Caller:…. I didn’t do anything.. blah blah blah…

CF: Listen to yourself. You said, you want to spend time with her but you didn’t. And yet, you said you didn’t lie to her. Does it mean, not keeping a promise is not a way of cheating?

Caller: You can say that.

Me: Fuck you lah!! WHAT - you can say that – it is CHEATING. You are an idiot!!

CF: You are very weird.

Me: Stop talking to him Chan Fong! Cut off the line!!

Caller:…… I am working in Penang, while she is in Batu Pahat…. So it’s hard to maintain a long distance relationship. I want my career as well, so that we could have a better life…..

CF: You can’t have the cake and eat it you know? From the way you are saying, I think you emphasize on your career more than your girlfriend.

Caller: I love her very much you know.

Me: Only six months lah you fucker! Obviously you haven’t bed her yet and worried you might not have chance to get into her pants. You would say anything just to do that!!!

CF: By saying you love her, and not with actions is no point.. blah blah blah……

I really salute Chan Fong for his patience with idiots.

CF: Ok lah. You better go and think of your actions……

*Music*

Caller: Can I dedicate a song?

CF: Say something, fast.

Caller: Chan Fong, hello? Can I dedicate a song?

CF: Faster lah.

Caller: Hello? Can I dedicate a song?

Me: KNLBCCB. Speak up lah you moron!!!

CF: 10 seconds!!

Caller: I cannot dedicate a song?

Me: CCB!!!!!!!

CF: Say lah!!!!

Caller: Ok. Just tell her that I love her.

Me: No wonder your gf left you!

Caller No. 2

Caller: My name is John.

CF: Hello John.

Caller: … my gf and I are from university, we went for our 3 months training and when she came back from training, she is no longer the girl I used to know…. Then I found out, she actually came to know a guy from work.. and they got on pretty well. We never had any problems before. But she has changed since she met this guy… she didn’t tell me that she met a guy but I got to know from her e-mail to…

Me: What?? You snoop on her??

Caller: And then.. I came to know that she had slept with that guy!! Her first time you know!!! Now I feel like I am wearing the green hat!! (Cantonese: Tai Lok Mou – meaning your gf/wife left you for another man because you are such a useless bastard). How would you feel leh?? When your gf gave her first time to another man? She supposed to belong to me!!!

CF: I can’t believe that this come out from the mouth of a university grad. What era are we living in right now? blah blah blah....

Me: Virginity is overrated ok!! You can sleep around whenever if you like.

Caller: I cannot take it. Should I forgive her misdeeds? Blah blah blah….

Me: For Christ’s sake. You come from kampong is it?? Even married people nowadays sleep with other people lah. Men can even sleep with men, women with women. What's wrong with you, man? You can have sex with whoever you want man!! Don’t get mad! Get even!!

Caller: *Sob* sob* I love her so much, why is she doing this to me? Why?

I couldn’t really remember what CF said, but it was very apparent that CF found this rather amusing from the numerous chuckles when the boy kept on talking about how important virginity is.

I think this caller needs to watch more Sex and the City.

I salute Chan Fong for his patience. I know how hard it is to deal with moronic people who think LURRVEEEE is everything.

CANCER STRICKEN SOCIETY

Cancer seems to be the most feared word lately when one talks about health. Everyone is worried about cancer; some unfortunate people seem to be getting it; almost every other week, you have friends telling you about her/his friends having cancer, etc.

Is it the food we eat? Is it the air? Is it the stress level at work in this new millennium?

In 2002, cancer was the fourth leading killer in our nation. I wonder whether, in a span of less than 4 years, the cancer cells had been increased by leaps and bounds, because it seems everyone around me is getting cancer.

In less than 6 months this year, I have heard too many cancer stories which put me in jitters.

My friend called me to ask about insurance claims when she was admitted to hospital to remove a lump in her throat. The lump was there for as long as she could remember but the doctor said it’s safer to remove it to prevent it from growing bigger. We cannot be so sure about this.

A dear friend's mom's cancer reoccured and everyone in her family had to relive the entire agony all over again - the operation, the chemotheraphy, the taking turns in taking care of her mom, and balancing finances.

My boss is a very nice man, so does his wife. I don’t understand why cancer would strike good hearted people. They are those people who practise healthy lifestyle. They don’t drink coffee. They don’t eat oily stuff. And yet, she has cancer of the gall bladder. When such terrible things happen to good people, it always makes you wonder, is there a God?

A fellow ex colleague e-mailed me one day to ask for a Chinese Physician’s address. She then revealed to me that she has tumors in her breasts. Even if the tumors are not malignant, she has to be careful with what she eats now, and lead a healthier lifestyle. The lumps won’t go away and she is scared to go for operations.

My friend informed me of an sms sent by her cancer striken friend who is now, waiting for death to knock at her door.

My treatment in S'pore completed with a negative result. I had pet scan done. Tumor has grown larger, is spreading & multiplying rapidly. My marker is 825 vs 3. The doctor was sorry he cant help me. I've asked him how much time do i have? He said it is in the hand of god. So my dearest friends, I am terminating my chemotherapy. I am still fighting 2 stay alive. I won't just give up yet. However, (I just hv 2 write tis b4 i run out of time) I want 2 thank u 4 all yr supports, prayers & contribution etc. I am very lucky indeed 2 hv met u & known u in this lifetime.

This is much worse than death sentence. In a death sentence, you know when to expect death and probably it was justifiable because of your crime. This waiting leaves you in so much agony and it made you questioned God why is this happening?

Recently, Seha, a singer with Freedom died because of cancer after 2 months of brave battle. May she rest in peace.

We can never predict what lies ahead. That is why for this new year’s wish, it was proper that Takeshi wished that all the cells in the body stay the way they are and do not mutate.

You might be a health freak, but cancer cells know no bounds; it does not discriminate; be it race, religion, culture, status, gender, age, etc.

However, it is advisable for us to do the best we could to maintain a healthy lifestyle and do good while we can. If all else fails, blame it on bad karma.

VIVA CUBA

Jorgito & Malu's meeting with Champion, the dog

It is a light hearted movie for children and adults alike.

I find Viva Cuba lived up to its title. It’s amazing that with such a simple story line, it was capable to bring viewers to the plentiful beautiful landscapes of Cuba; which we would probably never see before. When we think of Cuba, we thought of the Che Guevara, cigars, salsa and Havana club.

You can read all about the movie here. Cynthia did a pretty good introduction. I am not going to do a review about the story.

One thing I couldn’t help noticing is, the way the director filmed the movie. The cinematography is way so cool. You get to see the movie in almost a dream-like state.

I especially love the scene where both main characters (Malu & Jorgito) lie beneath the starry skies, in a ramshackle boat. It was almost picture perfect.

When Malu and Jorgito were discussing plans to run away, the sunset casting its orange ray over Havana’s skyline, it gave you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

When Malu complained of thirst and bursting in screaming anger, the director managed to shoot that scene from the view of a bison’s skull, to let us picture the dire state that they were in. It added some humour into the situation when a butterfly landed on the bison skull.

When both of them were discussing their plans under a coconut tree, it was as if there were only two persons existing in the world.

The scenes I have discussed here were very normal scenes and there were no special effects whatsoever. It’s just the angle of the movie was being shot. They take into consideration minute details, such as pictures of Cuban flag when both mothers were agonizing over their runaway children or when the children crossed the road, there was a huge graffiti of Che Guevara on the background, how they support their own Cuban President, Fidel Castro by hanging on their door knob – This is Fidel’s house as opposed to the staunch catholic neighbour’s house – The Lord’s House etc.

I love it. I love it so much. Thank you, Cynthia for sharing this.

Ibero American Film Festival runs from 8 to 15 October 2006 at Wisma Kebudayaan Soka Gakkai Malaysia.

REUNION OF SORTS

Happy Moon Cake Festival!!

Last Friday, there was a BBQ party at my humble home. Mom, being anal about getting everyone well fed, cooked up quite a storm in the kitchen. Since it was a pot luck party, everyone were to bring some stuffs, our initial menu consists of only chicken rice, fried mee hoon, curry chicken and BBQ. But, it ended up with additional stuff – kerabu mangga, bubur cha cha, Ipoh bean sprout and chicken strips and chicken feet and mushroom.

This is probably the fifth time, we threw a party in this house in 17 years. We had my forgettable 16th birthday with fellow church members (I still remember the delicious chocolate cake though which lasted a week, because it was too good, we ate it slowly), post SPM party (mine, where I invited 3 friends from Taiping to KL), disastrous 18th birthday (also mine) – where the guests turned up and left without eating the cake and any of my mom’s cooking (it’s really fucking rude, and I have yet to forgive them till today and never will), my graduation party.. and this…One thing I totally loathe about throwing party is the cleaning up part.

The night ended with a few lanterns on fire, three quarter of the food finished much to our delight, my porch littered with wax from burnt candles and 8 boxes of moon cakes. So, moon cakes anyone? I will be giving them out for free.

On Saturday night, I attended an old friend’s wedding in Puchong. He was my ex housemate when I was at TAR College. One thing I remember vividly about Ah Liang – he was the one who gave me Ultraman’s eyes.

I had a terrible flu, so I downed some panadol soluble and started to study last minute for a mini exams the next day. Seeing that I was in such a sorry state, he offered me a packet of powdery medicine with picture of 3 legs printed on it. I took it less than an hour after I had taken the panadol. An hour later, I was rushed to a nearby clinic to get an allergy injection (costing me RM130!!) because both my eyes bloated like Ultraman’s.

I ended up not taking the exams and he was remorseful, even if it wasn't his fault. He tried to help, really. He took care of me after that - setting alarm clock every 4 hours to apply eye drops to my swollen eyes and cooked me meals when I was sick – porridge with chicken and mushroom. Feeling somewhat indebted to me, (actually, I am pretty good at giving people the guilt trip), he always took me everywhere I wished to go on his kapcai. Haha. Those were the days. The wife is sure darn lucky to have him as a husband.

Today, I went out with Cynthia. I couldn’t remember the last time we went out together – the girly group thingy since I left for college and she started working. Then, she got married with a kid. Things seemed to be pretty mediocre for her after that. It was good to catch up. We watched a foreign film: Los La Ninas Invisibles at Soka Gakkai Malaysia together. It was a very light hearted movie in Spanish and best of all, it was free! We will be watching more movies at SGM in the future!

MY SUPER DUPEY BLIND DATE

I went on a blind date yesterday. Let me rephrase that - I was chaperoning Ms Lactose on a blind date yesterday. Let me rephrase that again – I replaced a friend to chaperon Ms Lactose on a blind date, of whom we have no connection whatsoever – he was being introduced to me last week on MSN so I could bring him out to meet Ms Lactose on behalf of this well meaning friend who convinced me that he is a nice guy. Get it?

It has been awhile since I last dated/ chaperoned. Blind dates sometimes can be fun as you don’t know what to expect. And usually, blind dates would end up quite interesting (it bound to happen if you go out with me – ahem!) and amusing, and be kept as memories (good or bad is another story) in one’s dating scene.

Yesterday’s was no exception.

The intended restaurant – Nippon Tei was scrapped after the man complained of stomach discomfort, and preferred to eat something light. (Japanese food is usually light, right?) Can’t blame him. He is 46 years old.

We ended up in Little Penang Café. I like the devil’s curry anyway.

For someone with an upset stomach, he sure had hell a lot of appetite. He had the loh mee, prawn mee, ju hu char, lobak, top hats and red ruby dessert.

Looks aside, it is quite a turn off to flaunt your wealth. Probably, working girls from China who look for gold to dig would totally appreciate you but for sophisticated women like Ms Lactose (and me), this trick doesn’t work. I have rich friends – they don’t flaunt their wealth. They are rather miserly and very down to earth.

With gem studded rings and bangles on both hands, his “share price” plummeted again. Then I came to know after the date, that the bangles were meant for rheumatism. Ms Lactose saw her 50++ year old brother wearing the same thing for his rheumatism. Gawd. Meaning – it’s an old man’s bangle?

I wasn’t really paying attention but Ms Lactose spotted tattoos on his arms – big, huge ones. “Share price” further decreased.

We ended dinner abruptly, not that we intended to, to catch a movie. It’s a favor to stop his "share price" from plummeting.

As we were lining up for tickets, we saw some seats highlighted in yellow and asked what seats are those. The seats were meant for the disabled.

To our horror, he started to suffer serious head concussion and behaving like a retard. He asked the equally baffled ticketing assistant, whether we could get the seats for the handicapped. I wished the earth would swallow me that instant. I wished I have super lame sense of humour.

The scene where Tom Cruise jumping up and down on the sofa like a retard on Oprah Winfrey show played in my mind that instant repetitively. The difference is, Tom Cruise is so darn gorgeous even in his 40s. If the super gorgeous Tom Cruise was not forgiven for his silly antics; what makes a man in his late 40s, with rings and rheumatism bangles, very bad hair cut, tattooed eye brows in brown color, (Yes! Euwwww!!!!!!!!!!) thinks he could get away with it?

We were hoping that the darkness in the cinema would help us to temporary forget that we were with him, but nooooooooooooooo….

His share price took a nose dive to non existence the moment he snored. And it was loud. Really LOUD – as in everyone staring at us and him, and laughed at us instead of laughing at the movie. It was a comedy (the movie.... and us).

Me: Eh – please elbow him!!!

Ms Lactose: GINA!!! He is your friend!!!! YOU wake him up!

Me: No! He is NOT my friend. ELBOW HIM!!

Ms Lactose: I am not going to touch him.

Me: Please wake him up and say, if he is tired, he can go home NOW.

Ms Lactose tapped his shoulder and told him exactly what I have said.

He woke up and struggled hard to stay awake.

When the movie ended, we dashed out from the cinema and went straight to the car park. We bid good bye hastily and we thought the worst was over when we got into our car.

But hell no.

He called me and said his parking ticket got stuck in the vending machine with his money as well.

Hello? Look, Mister. Do we look like someone who can help you with the vending machine? Call lah the security guard! Aichoh!

Anyway, we were quite concerned and out of courtesy sake, we gave him a call a few minutes later to make sure he was alright.

Ms Lactose and I learned some lessons out of this outing.

1. Not all men would look as good as my boss at age 46. (Yes – my boss is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S!!)
2. We are not THAT desperate.
3. It has somehow made us think that most people you get to know from the internet are lame, pervert or maniac, desperate, inane, insane, etc.
4. So what if you are filthy rich?
5. I should stop mingling with friends who have bad taste. (LOL! Kidding!)

Well, to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, he did warn us about him snoring in cinemas and made an effort to stay awake throughout the movie. We are to be blamed for not taking his warning seriously. We hope he won’t go to any movies with his future dates (with someone else) and we wish him all the best in finding his soul mate.

Other equally goofy dating stories

Dateless in Selayang
I Have A Date with Loose Springs
The Man With a Pan
Reality Bites
Dating Protocol

SIMPLE, HONEST & UNPRETENTIOUS

The Boat House, Taman Tun Dr Ismail

Jane owed me a meal. She decided to take me to Boat House, a nice and cozy western meet eastern cuisine in Taman Tun Dr Ismail, a shop opened by a fellow Taiping kia.

I thought to myself, “Oh, must be one of those normal fusion stuff. Paying like RM10 for a plate of char kueh teow. Or a black pepper tenderloin steak at ridiculous price but taste like the RM9.90 food court steak. Or maybe serving Taiping popiah? Hmmph… Anyway, I might end up having cliché nasi lemak. It’s the safest choice.”

I reached BoatHouse at 6.40 pm, way too early from the appointed time at 7.30 pm. I didn’t know. I thought the appointment was at 7 pm? My memory is failing.

I was greeted by Yen Ni, the fellow Taiping kia that Jane has been telling me about.

Yen Ni: “You must be (my Chinese name) Gina!”

Me: “Ah? You know me meh??

Yen Ni: I think I have seen you before.

Me: I have typical Taiping face?

Yen Ni: Everyone’s faces never change.

Me: Yeah. So old already, the faces still very much remain the same since Form 1?

I was shown to our reserved seat at the non-smoking corner. Since Jane was late, (actually I was 50 minutes early) YN suggested a drink – Detox.

Me: Wah?! Detox?! Will lau sai* or not? Haha!

YN: You won't lah!! Haha!

* Diarrhea in hokkien

Detox is a blend of celery (good for my hypertension!), cucumber, apple and capsicum. It’s good, although a bit sweet for my taste.

YN, who has a background in French cuisine, chatted with me briefly on our old friends, common friends and on the concept of the restaurant, etc.

Today’s Special Tuesday. With a purchase of any western cuisine, patrons are entitled to purchase any range of pasta for only RM1! Typical kiasu Malaysians would have swamped this place on Tuesdays if this news is out!

Every Saturday, it is 30% off all steaks and chops in the house.

Jane arrived at 7.20 pm and we didn’t waste time. YN suggested a few specialty in BoatHouse. The cempedak chicken (house specialty, seasonal) (RM9.80), tenderloin steak in red wine (RM42.80) and alio olio vongole (RM15).

We savored everything to the very last drop. (Seriously, if there is no one else in the restaurant - I would bloody lick the plates!) The cempedak chicken is something new. As a cempedak lover, of course, I love this very much. There is also a belacan chicken wing, which I guess I would try in my next visit.

The tenderloin steak is superb. I seldom eat my steak medium rare as I don’t want to die from E.coli but I will make an exception for this. It’s the best tenderloin steak in red wine that ever entered my digestive tract. As for the serving, it was not obscenely big or even ridiculously small. It was just right for me, like Goldilocks savoring her porridge. Quite authentic.

Having tried different restaurant’s alio olio during my pasta makanthon (I crave for pasta!!), here rank second. I still prefer the alio olio in All Star Cafe, and Ed's very own alio olio!(Sorry ah YN!!)

We ordered more stuffs after savoring the three dishes, we had potage mushroom (RM5.20) and dory fish in spinach creamy sauce (RM28.80). Heavenly! The dory fish came in generous dose of thick creamy sauce with a hint of white wine, I practically nicknamed it dory fish banjir (like mamak’s roti banjir).

As we chatted over coffee, we ordered strawberry chocolate fondue (RM14.80) to complete the great night out. To further perk up the night, it was Adeline’s birthday (YN’s partner) and cake was served on the house! So, come here every 3rd October for free cake. Haha! Kidding!

BoatHouse is warm, cozy and friendly. Expect personalized service. Instead of ordering direct from menu (about 80 choices! Yes – they also have char kueh teow – but screw it!), ask Yen Ni or Adeline for recommendation. Your meal will never go wrong. Good news for alcoholics, cocktails range from RM8.90 to RM12.90 all night long. You can even bring your own bottle (corkage fee RM25 for wine and RM80 for hard liquor) if you wanna throw a party. They have a private room, catering for 8 – 10 people.

I couldn’t agree more that BoatHouse is indeed true to its motto: Serving honest and unpretentious food. But simple? I don't think so. How could cempedak chicken be simple?! Heh!

If you would like to give it a try, remember to mention my name (Gina). You may get a free banana to go with your chocolate fondue! Hahahah!!

BoatHouse Restaurant
16, Lorong Rahim Kajai 14
Taman Tun Dr Ismail
60000 Kuala Lumpur
Tel : 03-7727 4426

(At the same row in between Maybank and Hong Leong Bank)

Business Hours
Monday to Friday 11 am to 3 pm, 6 pm to 12 am
Saturday 12 pm to 4 pm, 6 pm to 1 am
Close on Sundays

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