THE DEFINITION OF SEX

What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut is someone who screws everybody
A bitch is someone who screws everybody except you

Chris: I wonder what if we could create a mirror image of ourselves of the opposite sex. There will be no confusion, no misunderstanding… and we could just screw ourselves… By screwing myself – does that make me a slut or a bitch?

Self: Well, you can be a twisted slut if you screw yourself, coz a slut screws everybody, including self. On the other hand, you can also be a selfish bitch, only screwing yourself and no one else. It’s debatable.

Chris: You are one sicko! I don’t even understand why I bother to discuss such a serious issue with you.

Self: Hey! I am serious. I am in a perpetual dilemma everyday. I like to think of myself as an inter slut-bitch. I could switch as and when I pleased.

Chris: Oh my God.

Plato - 427 B.C. - 347 B.C.

According to Plato, at the beginning of creation, men and women were not as they are now; there was just one being, who was rather short, with a body and a neck, but his head had two faces, looking in different directions. It was as if two creatures had been glued back to back, with two sets of sex organs, four legs and four arms.

The Greek gods, however, were jealous, because this creature with four arms could work harder; with its two faces, it was always vigilant and could not be taken by surprise; and its four legs meant that it could stand or walk for long periods at a time without tiring. Even more dangerous was the fact that the creature had two different sets of sex organs and so needed no one else in order to continue producing.

Zeus, the supreme lord of Olympus, said: “I have a plan to make these mortals lose some of their strength.”

“And he cut the creature in two with a lightning bolt, thus creating man and woman. This greatly increased the population of the world, and, at the same time, disoriented and weakened its inhabitants, because now they had to search for their lost half and embrace it and, in that embrace, regain their former strength, their ability to avoid betrayal and the stamina to walk for long periods of time and to withstand hard work. That embrace in which the two bodies re-fuse to become one again is what we call sex.”

Interesting. An excerpt from Eleven Minutes, by Paul Coelho.

Eleven Minutes

THIS WEEK'S UPDATE

Cherry, The Dog

I finally found someone ideal to take care of Cherry: my aunt who lives 5-minutes drive away from my house. It was love at first sight. Now I can sleep in peace, do not need to be on constant guard - to worry that Cherry might be tortured by the two monsters. (The two trolls my mom is babysitting).

Cherry has found a new friend too, Whiskey. A poodle.


New Friend of Cherry's – Whiskey

Gym

I am joining Body Jam, Body Step and Body Combat classes now. Not regularly though.

CK joined my gym too. He is now my new official gym buddy as Wang Loi, decided to put her membership on hold for three months due to her workload.

I am putting on weight – not a good sign. I have been on eating frenzy for the past two months. A physical instructor said, I should consider weight lifting now to build some muscles.

Supper Gang

The Monk said, I have jumped into conclusion (what else is new?) to put a blame on Curly for all the mess-up. Well, we kissed and made up (figuratively means – we are buddies again). There are going to be some suppers in the future – the original four, without Curly.

BarFly Guys

Chris, Sam (the Chindian), Bee Stung Lips and CK are officially known as the Barfly guys.

The guys would remain the same, while there will be a rotation of girls joining them.

I know this sounded kinda sleazy (and probably kinky) but, I just can’t comprehend the sudden attention that I am getting. My girlfriends whom I haven’t seen/ heard from in years, started to call me for the past two weeks, and decided to join me in the clubbing scene. They read my blog?

So far, I think I have brought about 10 new girls to ritual Friday BarFly outing.

Office

Everything is pretty mediocre. I like it this way. I am getting complacent.

The Stalker

No wonder I haven’t received stupid sms-es for the past two weeks. The stalker was in Singapore. Now he is back.. with a vengeance.

Dennis a.k.a. Yabba, told me to directly request him to get out of my life forever, instead of giving him the usual excuse of being in the gym, without losing much weight.

My car

Godamnit. @#$%^&*

I have to change two tyres today coz they are swollen…. AGAIN. Once, a flat on the way to office, and once, coming home from Perhentian Island.

The Monk: You have to mind your weight.. probably..

This is the 3rd and 4th tyres I have changed this year. SIME tyres – Buatan Malaysia, menjelajah dunia. (Malay: Made in Malaysia, Exploring the World). Ptooooi! (Malaysian: Spit). If the tyres can’t even bloody survive the pot holes and bumps on the Malaysian roads, imagine surviving on snow, heat, desert etc.

I decided to use Bridgestone instead.

Costs: RM300/- for two 14 inch tyres.

Shopping

I bought 4 pairs of shoes this month alone…

Geez.. and they are all of the same colors – black and beige.


Gina and her boring shoes

FIRE DRILL

Next week, we are anticipating a fire drill in our office building. To think of scrambling down 38th floors' flight of steps made me cringe.

I told Sugar, I rather be burnt to death.

Here's the memo sent by my company's AVP.

----- Original Message -----
From: Assistant Vice President (AVP)
To: Heads of Department, Xmas Boy, Sugar
Sent: Thursday, November 25, 2004 11:47 AM
Subject: Fire Drill- Procedures

To all staff on 38th Floor Bangunan ABC
(Kind inform /forward your respective staff within your departments on this procedures)

Please be informed that the building management will be conducting a fire drill in the very near future. All staff are required to participate in the fire drill and to follow the fire marshal instructions during the fire drill.

The Fire marshals for 38th Floor are
1) HR Head
2) AVP

All staff participating in the fire drill are required to walk down the 38 Floors using the staircase. Since there are two stair cases, please follow the instructions from the Fire marshal as to the correct stairs to use. All staff will then proceed to the carpark between Bangunan ABC and XYZ Avenue, The car park is located near the river and its narrow entrance is just beside Bangunan ABC.

Pregnant ladies and those who are sick kindly use the Bomba lifts located in the Audit Department area.

Please leave all your bags etc at your work place and make sure it is locked up.

Should you have any queries kindly contact HR Head or myself.

Regards
AVP

----- Original Message -----
From: Assistant Vice President (AVP)
To: Heads of Department, Xmas Boy, Sugar
Sent: Friday, November 26, 2004 5:08 PM
Subject: Re: Fire Drill- Procedures

Further to the earlier memo, The Management of the Building have issued the following instructions

1) Level 38 staff will take the Staircase no 1- which is near the Internal Audit department.

2) No one is to start the evacuation other than instructed by the Fire Marshal

3) Attendance will need to be taken at the car park area. So please don’t go wandering around

Ps. You may want to get a pair of jogging shoes ready for the long walk down

Regards,
AVP

BACK TO BASICS

After months of partying senselessly, I am back on the money hunting track. The workaholic is back in action.

I hold 3 jobs. One full time job and two part time jobs. Yes – you are right. I do some direct selling also. But I am not the annoying type. You know, for example, you haven’t seen this friend for so long or even talk to him/her. Out of the blue, he so happened to appear at your door step, acting overly concern over your well being and wanted to be your best friend on earth.

Once a former classmate whom I have lost touch with, called me after 5 years of silence…

Friend: Hey. Gina! How are you?

Self: Who is this?

Friend: I am XYZ. Remember?

Self: Oh.. how are you?

Friend: I am fine.. thanks… listen, we should meet up some day and catch up….

Before he even had the chance to continue talking…

Self: Hold it right there, buddy. What makes you call me after 5 years of absence?

Friend: … errrr….

Self: I will give you the options. There will be only 3 reasons for you to call me after so many years.

1. You are selling insurance
2. You are doing direct selling
3. You are getting married

Which one is your reason? All of the above?

Friend: Hahhahah! You are so unbelievable….

Self: Come on. Be real. You don’t bother to check if I am dead or alive after all these years. Which one is your excuse?

Friend: See.. I have this business presentation….

Self: So, it is direct selling lah? Amway is it? Sorry lah. I am not interested. My dad is also in Amway.

After exchanging some pleasantries, wishing him good luck in his new business, we hung up and never call each other again.

Pathetic right? And yes - I am a bitch.

For me, I don’t do all those shit. Come to think of it, I am always the one trying to keep in touch (for the heck of it, without hidden intentions) with everybody else, till I have grown weary of my own initiative. A friend once commented that I have super memory about certain things – like I remember people’s birthdays, full names and humiliating events which eventually becoming funny when we talked about it again. She commented I should be in the insurance business.

Since my full time job do not require much of my time, I have fixed working hours much to the envy of my pilot friend, I have plenty of time on my hands to do other stuffs.

The irony is, most of my friends do not know I am in insurance line. The moment I mentioned I am an agent, most of them would either jumped off their seats, giving the look “don’t come looking for me” or get away from me, as if I am a leper. I don’t force them though. After they finish mocking me, they will ask for advice.

I think most of us are educated enough to understand the mechanics of insurance. Yes – no doubt, those insurance companies are blood suckers, no thanks to the uncontrollable inflation, sky rocketing medical fees, contracting serious illnesses at earlier age due to stress environment, food intake, etc, one cannot deny the importance of insurance.

My human resource manager is so envious of the elderly Europeans, capable of traveling at their own expense, leaving their grown children to fend for themselves. They are just out here to enjoy their golden age retirement.

I was told that, the Europeans have a strong insurance knowledge way earlier compared to us. When they were children, their parents already prepared them for their future. They started young. That is why they can afford their holidays. Compound interest is indeed one of the wonders of the world. The Japanese has an average of 7 policies each when they were merely a month old.

Like I am fed up with the answer “God works in His own mysterious ways”, and many of you fed up with “Buy insurance. It is for your peace of mind”. Think. We cannot comprehend God, and certain people cannot comprehend the need of having insurance. But one fine day, when disaster strikes, we will pray to God to help us even if we are pagans or atheists. As a mortal, all of us believe in divinity.

What you need to understand is, when your surrounding friends cannot afford to help you, insurance would help you in times of crisis. Insurance in fact, should be included in your financial planning aspects. Some of us think that we pay so much money for a piece of paper and will only get to utilize the benefits when shit happens. Nobody wants to contract disease. No one would hope to get into an accident. No one would want the untoward events happening to them. But who are we to predict?

BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER

I bumped into an ex colleague, Petite Sharon ( I have a few Sharons on my phone list) while wandering aimlessly in KLCC late evening yesterday…waiting for CK and WY for dinner.

Then, over a cuppa of raspberry frappuccino in Starbucks… (they no longer have strawberries and cream frappuccino- sigh!)

Petite Sharon: You mingle around with so many types of friends. It is amazing! So colorful!

Self: ….. I haven’t completed my collection of friends yet. I do not have gay friends. Only lesbians and bisexuals. Do you know any gay friends?

Petite Sharon: Not that I know of…..

There are many types of friends in our lives. They can be best friends, good friends, soulmates, fair weathered friends, hi-bye friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners in crime, movie friends, mamak friends, shopping friends, complaint booth friends, consultant friends, a shoulder-to-cry-on friends, gossip friends, bad-mouthing friends, wolf-in-sheep-clothing friends, book club friends, fishing friends, traveling friends, reward hunting friends, freebies friends, connection friends, dog lover friends, booze party friends, cheapo friends, f*ck buddies, and the list goes on.

Yesterday night, I didn’t feel like clubbing (actually, clubbing is not my cup of tea) at Zouk, (yeah – not BarFly), not because of bad experience in the rain, just that feeling a bit depressed after being left out for supper gang ritual Friday for the 5th time in a row. I think it is because Mr Curly decided to isolate me after I refused to be his scapegoat in signing some documents, which might send me to do time in prison if all hell break loose. I was furious.

For about a year, I was happily renewing my bond (more like male bonding) with the Monk and gang after a few years of absence, Mr Curly came crashing in our little gang without invitation; irking me, delighting the Monk, (coz he wanted to see some drama deriving out of this – he is one sick monk), and as usual, the Demented Duo has no comment.

Oh well… life goes on. The supper gang is now defunct.

Back to type of friends…here is the compilation list of friends that I’ve encountered:

The Connector
Friend(s) identified: Self, CK, James (used to be)
Those who connects people. Those who keeps bumping into friends on the streets. Love parties. Someone who could bring people together. Whose mobile phones cannot stop ringing on weekends.

The Entertainer
Friend(s) identified: Self, James, CK, Petite Sharon, Shien
Quick witted, sharp tongue, and not afraid to make a fool out of themselves.

The Complaint Booth
Friend(s) identified: Ann, WY, YY, Mae
This kind of friends would just listen to your complaints without.. complaining.

The Partners-in-Crime
Friend(s) identified: Ann, WY, YY
Those that stick to their guns to protect or support you even if you did something stupid or something unforgiving and sometimes help you take the blame.

The Aunt Agony (Consultant)
Friend(s) identified: Self, Ann, WY, YCF, Wang Loi, the Monk (Uncle Agony)
Those who would lend a listening ear, gives some advice (either good or tak boleh pakai), and yet let you have your own way of decision making.

The Movie Freak
Friend(s) identified: Self, Tan, Dennis, Jess, James, Mae
Those who watches every damn movie in the cinema with you. Or has the entire collection of DVDs with a tracking list to boot (James)

The Shopaholic
Friend(s) identified: YCF, Wang Loi, WY
Those who shop till drop and make sure you don’t leave the mall without shopping bags.

The Critic
Friend(s) identified: Self, Petite Sharon, Wise friend
Those who are not afraid to give you a piece of their mind, considering I can’t take criticism, even if they are constructive ones.

The Gossiper
Friend(s) identified: Everybody gossips!
Need I explain??

The Freebie
Friend(s) identified: WY, Paul
It’s amazing that these people have all the time in the world to participate in public contests (radio, magazines, etc) and get free stuffs. The best part is, you get to indulge in their generosity as well.

The Follower
Friend(s) identified: WY, YY, Shien
Those who follow you everywhere you go – booze parties, traveling, movies, etc.

P/S Sam is not a follower, he is a stalker.

The Book Clubber/ The DVD Lender
Friend(s) identified: Kat, James
Those who swap books/DVDs or better still, give you books/DVDs for free.

The Traveler
Friend(s) identified: WY, Dimples, #marquis gang
Those who would just pick up their bags within one phone call, thick skinned enough to haggle with the tour agents for cheaper bargains.

The Frivolous (aka Talk-Cock only)
Friend(s) identified: Supper Gang, Ann, Vic, Paul

Talk cock friends.

The Hi-Bye
Friend(s) identified: Bee Stung Lips, Chris, Sam (the Chindian) and Peter

Those you met in the bar, pubs, people who pick you up to weddings. Tendency to evolve into friendships of all kinds (hopefully into the type below? - Wishful thinking)

The F*cker
Friend(s) identified: Still searching.

P/S I took Cherry home yesterday afternoon. While waiting for suitable owners to take her in. One problem though. She needs to be fed manually as she lost some of the teeth in a surgery.



Will the Real Shih Tzu, Please Stand Up?

10 REASONS TO BE CELIBATE

Self: Eh.. I am writing something on the 10 reasons to be celibate.. but I can only think of 3.

Ann: Why not you give 3 reasons to be celibate and 7 reasons to have sex?

Ann, the no. 1 fan is a genius. Unfortunately, she doesn’t blog, and I am celibate to come up with reasons to have sex.

1. Save money on rubbers.
2. Do not need to worry whether to shave or not to shave.
3. Do not need to worry about STDs.
4. Do not need to worry about whether to swallow or not to swallow.
5. Do not need to worry who would come first.
6. Do not need to worry whether you could get it up.
7. Do not need to worry yours is too small compared to her/his other sex partners.
8. Do not need to bear the 10% chance of getting pregnant should the condom breaks.
9. Do not need to get blood test for HIV and STDs every 6 months. (depending on how promiscuous you are)
10. Do not need to wash bed sheets.
11. Do not need to come up with 101 ideas to explain where did you sleep last night to your conservative parents.
12. Do not have to worry if your spunk taste funky especially after a meal of petai.

Hey.. I came up with 12 reasons instead. I am doomed to remain celibate the rest of my life.

Other top 10 stories

Top Ten Reasons I am not a Christian, Top Ten Reasons It's Cool to be Fat

THE MATING GAME

Last Friday at Bar Fly was a blast.

Party Animals

5 straight males
6 straight females, 1 with bisexual tendencies
2 lesbians

Drinks

1 bottle of Chivas
1 ½ bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label
2 Flaming Lamborghinis
1 jug of vodka lime
2 glasses of beer

Stimulants

1 ½ packs of Dunhill Lights Menthol

This is a recipe which spells “ORGY” should all of us have low alcohol tolerance. But we didn’t. Not even after Sharon, a visiting friend from Sitiawan, put me up in Concorde Hotel for the night as I was pissed drunk.

It is official. I have no sex appeal.

Concorde Hotel. Superior Room. Rm215++ per night.


The Shower


The Bath Tub


The Mini Bar


The Walkway


The Bed

A BITCH FOR HIRE

Cherry with a pink tongue

Well, this is Cherry. She is a female Shih Tzu, (complete with certificate and all). She ain't no bitch: Nice, mild mannered, gentle and very very very manja. She doesn't make much noise and she is adorable. My aunt doesn’t allow me to keep any pets with fur, so this is out of the question. Sigh.

She is 5 ½ years old. Yeah. Old gal. Her owner put her up for adoption coz they are moving to a condominium which doesn't allow them to keep pets. If you tell me, this is such a lame excuse.

Should anyone would like to adopt this dog, please e-mail me at gina.xxx@gmail.com. Totally FOC. I think most Malaysians love these three alphabets combined together!

Conditions to adopt Cherry

(1) Owners who don't live in condominiums. Else you would end up giving the same lame excuse should you want to get rid of her.

(2) Must be quite generous to send her for her monthly grooming. My friend at Crizzerlz would be more than happy to assist you.

(3) Willing to spend for her food – no left overs. And.. no ajinomoto in her diet. It will make her hair fall off. (My cousin’s grandma once fed her dog ajinomoto. She said, the food is tasteless without the magic ingredient. The poor dog lost all his hair in 3 months and died 4 months later)

(4) Love animals. (DUH!)

(5) No Vietnamese allowed.

So… feel free to contact me for more information.

P.S. I am the one who set the above conditions to ensure she goes to the rightful owner who would love her to bits. Who doesn’t? This old gal is so sweet!

GOOD WILL WRITING

When everyone else is celebrating Deepavali with their Indian friends; eating murukus, capatis, tosais.. and vadehs.. I am home.. writing my own will.

For the Chinese, it is plain taboo to talk about death. What more to talk about having your will written?

Lucky thing for me, whose family is not filthy rich. (Yes – sometimes it is a blessing not to be overly rich). So, we do not have much to pass on the next generation.

Before my grandma passed on at age 84, last year, they have done the transfer of the old family house in Port Weld, Taiping, aeons ago, way before she reaches age 70. Longevity runs in the family.

When my youngest uncle (James look-a-like) died in 1989 intestate (meaning without a will), after a failed kidney transplant operation in India, the entire family were too grief-stricken to even look for his shares, bonds, bank accounts, etc.

It was when reality sets in, the entire family were frantically searching high and low for his stuffs. Till today, we couldn’t locate the thousands of ringgit of shares and bank account passbooks. From that time onwards, we decided to have joint names for all money related purposes. (We are one close knitted family – the only person they should worry about; who would squander all their money is probably – me).


Grandma and Grandad - Rest In Peace


Sasha caught red handed trying to abscond with a grape

My family members are not afraid to talk about death. As we went home for my grandma’s first death anniversary prayers, we talked about how we would like our dead bodies to be taken care of. Bury or cremated? KL or Taiping? Most of us preferred our body to be cremated in order to spare us the agony of Ching Ming every year. (The mountain climbing and the clearing of grass in some old cemetery and painstakingly avoiding trespassing the dead neighbour’s resting place).

What does it take to write a good will?

Writing a will is as easy as ABC. As long as you have include whatever that is to be passed on, and the will being witnessed by two of your best friends, it is as valid as the ones you pay thousands of dollars to get them drafted by blood sucking lawyers.

The tricky part here is not about writing a will, it is getting it executed when you are dead; either rotting in the grave (if you choose to be buried) or when turning into fish food (if you choose your ashes to be scattered into the sea).

If you have nominated any family members to execute your will, (which is not a bad thing if they know how to go about it), I would strongly advise you to let the professionals do it. Usually, in the time of grief, it would be mentally torturing to put your loved ones into so much hardship of getting your stuffs transferred to them.

By paying a mere RM300 (exclude the fee of will writing) per lifetime, you may get Amanah Raya Berhad as custodian, to get it all done for you minus the hassle of haggling service fees with lawyers. Some lawyers don’t even know what they are doing, ended up giving you more problems in the end (if you work with the piece-of-shit lawyer in my company, you will get the picture).

Nobody lives forever. It doesn’t hurt to start writing your will today, which would save your family a great deal of time and spare them from mental anguish, looking high and low for your hidden assets (if any) in the house.

If you loathed your pain-in-the-ass family members or maybe you don’t have anyone else in this world that you would love to give your stuffs to, it is good to have all your assets transferred to a welfare organization, rather than letting the government have it.

QUICKIE TIPS TO RENEW PASSPORT

I woke up at 5.45 am and reached the Wilayah Complex Immigration Department, at 6.35 a.m. I was not surprised at the bee-lined queue.. unlike at Zouk’s last Friday. This is much better and the crowd here is more civilized and we don’t have to be soaking wet in the rain.

So much has been talked about hassle-free passport renewal/application. I even received an e-mail saying we don’t have to go through the counters anymore. We just need to deposit our passports at kiosks and make payment.. collect the passports the very next day.


Easy Steps To Renew Passport... soon

It is impressive how the Immigration Department has improved their efficiency by leaps and bounds. I timed the service. I got number 32 and was pleased that everything is over in 40 minutes (minus the lining up part of coz). Average time taken : One minute per applicant. Office starts at 7.45 am and the queue starts as early as 6 a.m.

One tip though.

I was approached by two sweet young girls at the entrance. Forgotten the steps to renew my passport, I gave in to their persuasion by letting them filing up my forms (I felt like an illiterate), identity card photocopied and getting my pics taken in a secluded shop, way inside the complex.

To my horror, I looked like an aqua (Translation: Transvestite – the ugly one, not like the beautiful Thais) in my passport photo. I overheard a guy complained loudly that he looked like Chu Tau Peng (Cantonese: Pig Head) in his passport pics – this vain pot really look like CTP in flesh.

I retook my pics after I obtained my number. (Hey, I don't want to be stucked with that aqua pic for five years and pay RM300 for it!)

So people, if you ever go to Immigration Department in Wilayah Complex, may I suggest a few pointers:

(1) Get your IC photocopied in office. You gotta pay 40 sen for one copy there when you can get it for free in office.

(2) Get your passport pics taken after a good night sleep, else you would end up looking like aquas or CTPs. If you want your pics to be taken instant, go to the first shop on the left entrance which says KODAK. They have been there for awhile. They take nice pics.

(3) Get your office boy to collect the RM1 forms one day before you go to renew your passport if you do not wish to pay RM5 and get them to be filled up by some exploited school girls.

(4) There is no need to bring magazines anymore. I hardly have time to read them. The immigration department is THAT efficient now!

Kudos to Pak Lah!

STALKER

Stalker.. die die die!

Leslie*, (Dennis’ bosom buddy, who is always with the wrong women at the wrong time for the wrong reasons) or his real name is SAM, is one serial stalker. He is a 31 years old bachelor. Maybe after this, WAS Dennis' friend.

He practically has no social life of his own. After the booze party at Golden City Condominium, he kept on pestering me to include him in ALL our booze outings. I don't mind if he is an interesting person to be with, like James, Shien.. etc. And I don't mind if he starts paying without complaining for the booze which he unashamingly drinks like a fish.

He is getting on my nerves now. So, here are some poems regarding him... (I know the rhyming thingy is getting out of hand – I promise this is my last instalment)

Aquamarine - Shien

Reached Taiping in one piece
Away from Sam is such a bliss
Wish he could stop being such a piss
Leave me alone all at ease

You guys are like Sam and Delilah
History repeats itself like no other
Me as your brother
Hope to see you guys walk down to the altar

Hahaha. F*ck. The only altar I probably walk down for him is during his funeral!

Aiya, don’t be so mean buddy
I know the road is rocky and muddy
Have a heart and you won’t feel giddy
And you don’t even have to tell your daddy

Guess you are right
Think of the bright side
Not that he is Mr Right
He keeps his distance, I will be alright

Friends and foe separated by a thin line
Know them well you won’t get a fine
Although he likes lots of wine
Forgive and forget, you will be on cloud nine

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn
Bet you heard of this all along
He is one sad man, love forlorn
Please advise him to watch more porn

JINJANG RHYME

Poor Monk is down with serious mouth ulcer…. It is not even an ulcer – he couldn’t pronounce the virus’ name. Some bombastic name that made him worry. That is how the doctors make money.

No wonder he didn’t asked us out for supper to avoid infecting us. (he didn’t even bother to explain and not picking up our phone calls – Charac habis!). Occasionally, we share mee hailam or bandung (some malay noodle dishes) – his favorite supper staple. This reminds me that I gotta get my second dose of Hepatitis B jab.

A friend of mine sent me these today. I find them hilarious, considering that I am also rhyming with Shien.. via sms, but bear in mind: We are NOT lovers.

Ah Lian's


Ah Beng's

So.. is it very jinjang-ish to rhyme?

Poems of the Day

Shien:
He didn’t feel so well
Coz his mouth was swell
Life must be hell
Shall we buy him ulcer gel?

Self:
Charac, charac (Meaning: attitude)
Don’t give a crap
Wait for him to beg
Then only we yak

Shien:
That was funny
Cute as playboy’s bunny
Made my nose runny
Just made you my honey

GIRL ABOUT TOWN

Gina is out to paint the town red
Only at 28??
I know it is kinda late
But, it is better than being an old maid

Oh man.. I am now talking rhymes. I know I have been a bit gut-wretching-revolting with the rhyming thingy lately. I will stop before someone puked their meals.

Yesterday was another night at BarFly. We were supposed to go to Zouk, for the Cleo's 9th Birthday bash. It was raining like cats and dogs. I somehow managed to persuade Ann to join me for this senseless-lining-up-in-the-rain "kiasu" thingy for freebies. (Oh.. this is so unlike me.)

By the time we reached Zouk for the enticing RM200/- goodie bag, we were soaking wet. To add to the major disappointment, the queue was already making a beeline to the car park.

Everyone was in their party dresses and shoes.. and having the wet pussy look. I mean, they looked like wet cats... the feline? Sad, wet and shivering.

A photographer took pics of the soaking wet mad people. I hope they don't publish mine else my mom would be shocked to see me in a wet see-through top.

Ann: Please don't tell anyone I am HERE with YOU!! @#$%^&*

I didn't know wet pussies can be snappy.

SMS to all booze kakis:

Change of plans. Dinner at KLCC. Zouk is f*cking shit. Might go to BarFly after this. I am all wet!

CK called.

CK: Why are you so wet? Are you turned on?

Self: I mean, I am darn wet now in the rain!! Do you think I would masturbate in public??

CK: Who knows? You are so unbelievable!

After 10 minutes of cold shower, we decided to split.

It is a good thing that I have clothes in my car - to prepare for the aftermath of the clubbing. In case, I need to crash in someone else's houses. Sadly, it is usually... always at WY’s. Sigh. I went to the gym to take my bath.

Dinner at Chilli's, having a Presidente margherita without the RM5 discount. Shit. We surpassed the happy hour.

Leslie, the stalker, (Dennis’ bosom buddy, who is always with the wrong women at the wrong time for the wrong reasons) decided to join us at BarFly much to YY’s chagrin. He has hots for this hot babe.

To add to the fun of the subsets of friends, Ann, Paul and Vic decided to drop by. So did CK’s friends, Chris (the medical student with 4 ½ packs.. yummy), Sam (the guy who couldn’t keep his penis in his pants for long) and Chin, (gorgeous guy with sexy bee stung lips) and WY's brother, JJ.

Well, I decided not to go into details on the flirting scenes, hard core and ugly boozing till Leslie slept on the pavement of the sidewalk, (Shien said, it's unrequited love) and some cheesy pick-up lines that the girls get.

The highlight of the party:

The hottest guy in the party, Mr Bee Stung Lips, decided to buy me a drink. (Must be CK’s doing to help me get laid. Thanks but it didn’t work. I wish I had lower tolerance for alcohol).

It 's a Flaming Lamborghini.

Flaming Lamborghini with Mr Bee Stung Lips - Delicious!

The night ended unceremoniously with Leslie sleeping on the sidewalk; CK pissed off with Leslie sleeping on the sidewalk; Shien cursing coz, instead of bringing a girl home, he had to take Leslie home; the ladies not getting laid; Chris and Sam cringed at the thought of having sex with conjoined twins, and Mr Bee Stung Lips heading to Velvet Underground to pick up more chicks.

Poems of the Day

Self:
What are you having for dinner?
I hope you find a fine diner
With a fabulously hot spinster
Eating a cold lobster

Shien:
Fried pork and rice
On the floor many mice
Want to hentam* them with the dice
But stopped by Jesus Christ

Self:
Do not use the Lord’s name in vain
Or you end up in excruciating pain
Let it rain, let it rain
Hope tonight we remain sane

*hentam (Translation: Hit in Malay)

RHYME FOR A DIME

The rhyming continues…

Self: What are you doing? Are you trying to rhyme me to death?

Shien:
Smoking, watching tv and rhyme
All at the same time
Hopeless even to get a dime
But can opt for tequilla and lime
I’ll be a good boy and do no crime

Self:
Weh.. no need to sleep is it?

Shien:
Sleep sleep sleep
Missing that makes me weep
Don’t wanna sound too deep
May I suggest listening to Frances Yip

Shien:
Sleep, I must
Else would end up a wuss
You, my dear fuss
Sweet dreams in the bush

(Shit. I am crap)

Shien:
Her hair bouncy and curly I adore
She smells like Dior’s J’adore
Her favorite meat is wild boar
Her son’s friends call her “wah tan hor”
(in her opinion, that’s what moms are for)

Nasi goreng Indonesia
Tak boleh di sia sia
Walaupun nampak lalat dalamnya
Kena makan sesungguh dia

Translation:

Indonesian fried rice
Cannot go to waste
Even if there is a fly in place
Have to finish it, whatever it takes

(I am improving?)

He was referring to the unforgettable lunch with the pink table cloth,
Of his ordeal of being forced to eat Wah Tan Hor*
He ended up eating fried rice instead
with a dead fly in it

Self:
Sleep lah, you stupid boy!
Now I can’t stop laughing
The flu medicine is not working

Shien:
I’m stupid
You are my cupid
I have my wit
Help you loose your grit

Translation:

Wah Tan Hor - Cantonese style fried noodles (Shien hates it).

WILLIAM SHIENSPEARE

Shien, the pink Table Cloth, a.k.a. my hair stylist, has a way with words… in the sms-es that he sent.

I just have to blog it.

When I told him my boss liked my new haircut…

Gina
Pretty ballerina
A dancing primadonna
Envious even Madonna
Rock and roll popping tequilla

When I said to him, See you in Zouk…

Yeah, we are going to Zouk
Fun as riding the tuk tuk
Don’t have to read a book
And lose myself like a crook

When I told him I got a flu…

The cuckoo flew
We knew he had the flu
The doctor said it too
You must know what to do
To chase away the blues
Just sniff the glue

When I asked him, you so free ah??

Free like a bird
So bored can’t even flirt
Lonely as the closet’s hanging old shirt

When I asked him, what’s on tv tonight?

Fear factor rerun
Watching it really no fun
May point myself with a gun
After watching the babes with their buns

When I told him to stop rhyming as he is making me jealous with his creativity, (when I am the blogger, and he is not) …

Rhyming my head off
For Snow White not the Seven Dwarfs
Have a heart
Don’t turn me off
Making a cheer
And turn your heart soft

Guess he watches too much tv, especially “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”.

This one is one helluva funny website when I tried to search for a pic for this post. Check it out.

NO NO, I said, I have an acute angina.

(Please wait and read the ongoing typing from the web server).

JINXED MIDAS TOUCH

Caught Red Handed

While I was making coffee this morning, Madam V, the tea lady who makes kick-ass Nescafe asked me how long have I been working here.

I said it’s been five months.

She said it was just like yesterday I entered the pantry and thrashed the water dispenser.

Must she reminded me of THAT?

Well, I have a bad reputation for spoiling anything I laid my hands on in the office since the first day.

The printer burnt out within a week I arrived. The printing of the same documents for the 100th times due to the fussiness of Mr Xmas, explained the burnt out. It wasn’t my fault. The printer belonged to the museum.

The photocopier went hay wired whenever I go near it. Whenever the photocopier is stuck or make some strange noises, my colleagues would asked if I went anywhere near it earlier that day. They have since replaced the copier.

I thought my mouth is capable enough to create major catastrophes... now, my hands are giving me problems.

Looking at the bright side of it, without me, they wouldn’t have a new laser printer or a new photocopier.

Why didn’t my ancient PC konk-ed out too?? I want a new one with Windows XP and with at least a USB port.

P.S. I am on Medical leave today. The flu bug got me. That explains the previous whiney post.

NO MAN'S AN ISLAND

Lonely Girl On The Bench

If you have watched the movie, About a Boy, starring Hugh Grant, Rachel Weiss, you should know the feeling of being lonely by now. (I watched it 7x)

Will is a 38-year-old man, who has the least care in the entire world. He doesn’t work as he is living off his dead father’s royalty on a one hit wonder Christmas song. The last thing he wanted is to make his world revolve around another person or vice versa.

He has a simple concept about life. Everyone’s life is like a TV show and everybody is in charge of their own show. If the popularity of their show is dwindling, the owner of the TV Show ought to do something about it. If it doesn’t work, then it is just too bad. You just have to pack up and moved on.

Till he finally met Rachel.

I just couldn’t understand this. Can the power of love change someone’s way of life? Altering principles and beliefs he/she hold onto dearly for life?

Love has always been a powerful force that has driven mankind to brink of madness for many, many centuries.

I am an atheist when it comes to love. It is not that I don’t believe in love. I am afraid of love.

I always ingrain in my mind and heart, that it is unnecessary to find great love as advocated by Charlotte in Sex and the City, or Florentino’s undying love for Femina in Love in the Time of Cholera or Romeo and Juliet’s love for each other, etc.

But, I would be a godamn liar if I claim not in need of love. Nuns, priests, monks…. I am sure there is/was some point in life when they would at least think of being in love.

When I saw my colleague, the 40-year-old spinster, in the pantry this morning, with her mug which says, “Keep your paws off my mug”, I somehow felt a tinge of sadness for her. Feeling sorry. Pity.

I noticed she has strong vibes of “Keep Off” warning radiated from her entire being. She has a tag which says, “Keep your distance” in her car. I just couldn’t help but wonder. Did she ever had the chance to profess love? Or has she ever rejected a love in her life?

I tried to talk to her sometimes, which proved to be very difficult as the only topics she is capable to talk about is how rude Malaysians’ drivers are and her incessant complaints about how badly the Aborigines are being treated in Australia. The two topics are totally irrelevant to each other, I know. We would start by talking about work and ended up talking about the Aborigines… all the time. That is why I hardly talk to her.

Sorry.

I am writing this after being hit by the lonely bug. It usually hit me in the middle of the night when the entire house is quiet. And it usually happens once a year, tragically always during my birthdays.

But today, it hit me while I was idling in the office. This is a bad sign. I hope I could snap out of it soon.

Somehow, I have come to accept this. There is still a hope to find ordinary love, if not great love.

Related Sadistic Posts:

What is Life? , To or not to Pro-Create, Solitude