TRUE CONVERSATIONALIST

There are times, I do not doubt my ability to talk. Tonight’s conversation happened to be one of those times. It is amazing that you can actually play so many roles in such a short conversation. I will be an asset to any Toast Master’s Club. :)

The Economist

[Self] u know the famous pan mein rite?
[sotongman] yeah
[Self] last time only RM3.50 with egg
[sotongman] now?
[Self] now ah... RM4.00!!
[sotongman] inflation leh
[Self] and also if u put in extra vege
[Self] cost you RM1
[Self] gila
[sotongman] wat to do


The Negotiator

[Self] your wedding dinner invite us lah
[Self] then intro your doctor brother to me and WY lor
[Self] hehehe
[sotongman] lol
[Self] u must invite us ok??
[sotongman] my brother is hairy like gorilla
[Self] how much ang pow u want?
[Self] i like hairy men
[Self] meaning they are ganas in bed
[Self] heheh
[sotongman] i dun want ang pow
[Self] then apa mau?
[Self] sex slaves by the hour?
[Self] ok lah
[sotongman] want free cooking
[Self] i agree on behalf of WY
[Self] heheh
[Self] she will service u
[sotongman] want wash car service for 10 yrs
[Self] i will service your gorilla brother
[sotongman] lol


The Historian

[sotongman] gorilla is cave man time
[Self] they hit their women hard
[Self] and drag them to cave to shag
[Self] i like
[Self] hehe
[sotongman] lol


Dr Quack

[sotongman] heard of fagua the food?
[sotongman] very yummy
[Self] what ah kua the food?
[Self] heheh
[Self] faggot the food?
[sotongman] it is goose liver
[Self] oic
[Self] hehhe
[sotongman] melts in yr mouth one
[Self] sorry, i dont eat internal organs
[Self] i am no cinapek
[sotongman] me spare part king...
[sotongman] stomach yum yum
[Self] later kena gout then only u know
[Self] better cut down
[Self] got take blood test?
[sotongman] eat now diet later when i hit 45
[Self] spare parts all very high cholesterol
[Self] by that time.. it’s too late
[sotongman] yeah cholestreol high..
[sotongman] oni got chlorsterol problems.
[Self] u now got cholesterol problems?


Current Issues

[sotongman] cant imagine treating someone like tat man
[Self] yeah
[Self] even animals we dont do that
[Self] we straight away kill them to eat
[sotongman] how she torture herself?? with a dildo aah???
[sotongman] kekekkeke
[Self] dildo got hot one ah?
[Self] this one S&M style liao
[sotongman] kekekke
[Self] nowadays i find malaysians are very kinky
[Self] got one ah pek died of erotic asphyxiation the other day
[sotongman] ya ka...wanna buy low temperature wax?
[sotongman] ooh yeah with a guy
[Self] performing oral sex, using rope to tie his own neck
[Self] then died
[sotongman] kekekke
[Self] syok meh ah?
[Self] syok ah?
[Self] i think i want to try and see
[sotongman] wait i try i let u know...
[Self] play with your gorilla brother sure syok one
[Self] since he will be good with ropes


The Mathematician

[Self] that maid of yours work for u 14 years
[sotongman] i think damn a lot of years man...lost count
[Self] u told me she was your maid since u 18 mah
[sotongman] could be even more
[Self] u are now 32
[sotongman] shud be
[Self] :)
[Self] see, gina is a genius


The Motivator

[sotongman] james still smokin?
[Self] no more lor
[sotongman] yeah
[Self] no more chimney
[Self] heheh
[sotongman] how he quit?
[Self] u still a chimney?
[sotongman] yeah man
[Self] he just quit lah
[sotongman] about 3/4 pack a day
[Self] all for LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[sotongman] me got stressful job
[sotongman] ooh i c
[Self] he also stress what
[Self] u know design right?
[Self] he took fisherman's fren
[Self] or some other mints
[sotongman] he can maybe i cannot...
[Self] u not yet try how u know?
[Self] when u stress, have sex lah
[Self] that is what gfs are for
[sotongman] not even an occasional puff?
[Self] u no need ciggies
[Self] NOPE
[sotongman] no la sometimes ciggies better than sex...lol
[Self] when he first started to stop smoking
[Self] a bit susah lah
[sotongman] now no more urge??
[Self] totally tarak
[Self] clean from nicotine
[sotongman] tats good
[Self] he goes to church
[sotongman] been thinking about it
[Self] u also can go to church :)
[sotongman] i need more than church la


The Politician

[Self] maybe Badawi should organise the smoking campaign
[Self] give RM 100k every week for ppl who stop smoking
[Self] get like 50 contestants
[Self] quit in one months' time
[sotongman] kekekeke...after contest smoke oni le..
[Self] good ah?
[Self] hehe
[Self] no no
[Self] must sign contract
[sotongman] how u gonna check?


The Strategist

[Self] i think i also must start smoking liao
[sotongman] kekeke
[sotongman] dun la
[Self] since i also dont want to live that long
[sotongman] why not i buy policy 4 u..then i run u over...kekekkeke
[Self] hahahaha
[Self] must wait one year worr
[sotongman] yup
[sotongman] tats wat i heard
[Self] yeah good also huh?
[Self] heheh
[sotongman] from my insurance bud
[Self] u buy lah
[sotongman] okie
[Self] then i put your name as nominee
[sotongman] next yr this time make yourself dead ya
[Self] relationship: internet sex buddy
[sotongman] lol


The Snoop

[Self] what u usually do in the middle of the nite like this?
[sotongman] i sleep late...and get up late
[sotongman] so if no dvd to watch i come play irc...if not go cc play cs
[Self] how come never play with gf?


The Challenger

[sotongman] how many hours sex takes??? not the whole day
[Self] who says cannot?


The Challenger II

[sotongman] 15 sticks
[Self] not so bad
[Self] james used to smoking 2 packs a day
[Self] he also can quit
[Self] come on lah
[Self] you cannot quit, then you are a pussy


The Challenger III

[sotongman] u dunno i bisexual aah
[Self] i know u are a perv
[sotongman] bisexual perv
[Self] :)
[Self] being a bi already renders u a perv
[Self] ahaha
[sotongman] u haven’t seen me in full force yet :p
[Self] a perv is a perv
[Self] irregardless gender preference
[Self] :)
[Self] u never gimme chance to experience your full force
[Self] :p
[sotongman] :ppppppp


The Sex Therapist

[Self] is there a meaning to life?
[sotongman] yeah
[sotongman] enjoy :)
[Self] aiseh
[Self] u think i dont enjoy meh?
[Self] every weekend booze party
[Self] here go there go
[Self] play here play there
[Self] probably i am just lack of sex
[Self] or rather, sexless/celibate
[Self] that is why i am so depressed
[sotongman] then life seems very full to me

FANTASIA BARRINO ROCKS!

Early this week….

“I have a feeling that Fantasia will win” said Larissa, Mae’s co-boss.

“Yeah! I hope so!” I exclaimed.

So, on the way to the post office on Wednesday, she called to say, “Fantasia won!! I heard it over the radio! Check on the internet, see true or not??”

“Okay okay!” I said, then struggled to browse the internet.

Then I sms-ed her, “Yeah! Fantasia wins!!”

“Great!” she replied.

Tonight, I watched the finale on the 8TV (not live).

She has the X-factor that De Garmo does not. When she sing, she sings it from the bottom of her heart, giving all out. Her voice is a hybrid of Macy Gray, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan and Tina Turner's. But she has her own "OOmmpphhh!" and impressive style.

I will be anticipating her album to hit Malaysian shore soon.

Way to go, Fantasia!

TO OR NOT TO PRO-CREATE?

A conversation with an old friend from my primary school about having children. (via internet)

Self: my bro is in IBM.
Self: more like consultancy

Friend: your little bro..
Friend: wahhh..he must be good

Self: no longer little.
Self: next year getting married

Friend: you're the eldest eh?
Friend: waaaa..langkah bendul!
Friend: heard abt that phrase before?

Self: yeah.
Self: my bahasa score punya lah.
Self: Hahaha.
Self: Nvrmind.
Self: Since i am not getting married also.
Self: If want to wait for me, sampai bila bila pun tak payah kahwin.

Friend: hehe.
Friend: same here
Friend: luckily my bro has married
Friend: i've got 3 anak sedara
Friend: all boys!

Self: your mak not worry ah?
Self: as for chinese
Self: we are all ok one, no hurry

Friend: everytime i balik taiping, my mom will talk abt this
Friend: they themselves know that i'm single..cari la satu
Friend: hehe

Self: ask them to find u one lah
Self: u know
Self: merisik lah
Self: tunang lah
Self: hehe

Friend: they said they don't have many friends
Friend: hehe..

Self: how can?
Self: last time kat uni dont have kah?

Friend: got
Friend: not a bf-gf relationship
Friend: good friend only
Friend: actually kan, i've never been in love aaaa

Self: yeah kah?
Self: tak syok punya in love
Self: memang menyusahkan
Self: after everything is over
Self: lagi sakit hati

Friend: cite la your experience
Friend: hehe

Self: heheh
Self: i dont have many malay friends
Self: else, i would have intro some malay chap to you
(Obviously avoiding answering that)

Friend: hehe
Friend: don't worry la
Friend: i have to keep praying
Friend: harder and harder

Self: praying cant help
Self: haha
Self: have u tried speed dating?

Friend: what is that?

Self: aiyah
Self: u pay about rm45 for 2 drinks
Self: but it is pub lah
Self: then u get to know 20 guys at one go

Friend: don't want that type lar..

Self: akkak
Self: my frens did it

Friend: how was it? got hooked up or not?

Self: not really. anyway, it helps to get more frens

Friend: the setback of getting married late is hard to get baby
Friend: hehe

Self: yeah
Self: but come to think of it
Self: must we have children?
Self: they are a burden

Friend: hehe..disagree!
Friend: they can be the love of your life
Friend: besides your other half la..

Self: they also can cause u pain
Self: i mean, nowadays how to have children?
Self: with all the evils in this world?
Self: injustice, pollution, perverts
Self: wars, diseases

Friend: it's true..but then, where will be all your earnings go?

Self: go to orphans, war torn countries, SPCA,
Self: temples, churches
Self: AIDS victims
Self: Vacation, spa, beauty treatments

Friend: LOL

I might be an idealist. But one can choose what he/she believes in. I happened to be a non-believer of pro-creation.

PUPPY LOVE

The Wonder Years

I believe everyone should have at least a crush(s) on somebody at some point, someday, somehow, sometime …. in their lives.

Much had been said about some girls from Convent Schools, but I thank God that my estrogen hormone is stronger than my testosterone. I still very much prefer males to females. :-P

The first crush that I ever had was on this guy back in Taiping Chinese Methodist Kindergarten. (Yes – Hormone rages irregardless age). He was my classmate, confidante and hero. I still remember his name, Lau Ee Siang. Haha. If anyone by this name, studied in Chinese Methodist School, Taiping, Year 1981/82, happen to stumble upon this blog, please write to me!

Back then, there were a couple of boys in school who were super humsup. The duo were famous for being peeping toms and gang up on girls to kiss them. (See. Believe me when I tell you hormone rages irregardless age?).I couldn’t understand why we didn’t report this matter to the teachers.

As I was a respectable student (Ahem!) and every teacher’s pet, these Peeping Toms dared not disturb me. (or so I think?)

Further, Ee Siang was always there to protect me. He accompanied me everywhere, even to the ladies, where he stood outside guarding the entrance. We had a gender separated cubicle/partition and a drain as a toilet back then. It was a maze shaped liked cubicle. We (girls) had to squat and balance ourselves above the drain. Sometimes, you could see shit floating when the running water was not strong enough to wash it away.

Hoi! Houston…. Calling Houston. Ok ok.. Where were we?

One fine day, they (Peeping Toms) decided to venture into this unchartered territory, me. I was cornered under the staircase while walking back to my class. (I can’t remember why Ee Siang wasn’t there) I was petrified! They then, grabbed both my hands and tried to kiss me.

I struggled furiously and managed to squeal, “Ee Siang!! Ee Siang!!”

Like a speeding bullet, Ee Siang came to my rescue. He tried to beat the shit outta them with his bare hands. He failed as those two pervs with overly charged hormone were far too strong for him. It was then, another boy (who happened to be my neighbour), Wang Chu Yoeng came with a plastic ruler and gave those two some power-packed karate chops. It was like a Batman and Robin moment.

I was relieved to be free. I loved those two boys (Ee Siang & Chu Yoeng) after that.

As for the Peeping Toms, I think they were sternly reprimanded. I hope they grew up to be normal and do not cause much menace to the society.

* This is not a fiction. The names here are for real*

THE HUNG MAN

When I brought some egg tarts to next door colleagues, I spotted William Hung’s CD on Sue’s table.

Self: Wooo…. Mae is looking all over for this!

Sue: Take lah.

Self: Pinjam ah.

Sue: Okay.

Self: I just want her to listen to how bad “I believe I can fly” is.

Sue: Hahahha.

Put the CD on Mae’s table.

Few minutes later…

Self: I left something on your table.

Mae: What? *holding an egg tart *

Self: You go see lah.

Mae: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?

Self: Hahahha

Mae: You bought it ah?

Self: Please lah. I don’t buy original CD one.

Mae was excited and went to put the CD in her computer.

Hung belt it out, “… and now I know the meaning of true luuuurrvvvveee….”

Mae: Omigod!

Self: Hahhahhaha.

Mae: Aiyoh…..

Self: Hahahah.. Sounds like a broken cassette player.

Mae: Yeah lah. Hahahhaha…

Both of us laughed like chimpanzees on heat. (can't use Hyena coz someone had used that before). Other colleagues joined in the commotion and laughter. And boy, we had a great time laughing song after song, as if we were in a karaoke joint with very bad singers.

Mae: I better not let my baby hear!

All: Hahhahahhahha!

Highly recommended for people who simply love a good laugh and is an ideal ice breaker in a party.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

This morning, at work, Mae was squealing frantically in her room.

Then she rushed out, in between smiles and frowns, in total disbelief.

Mae: I got an e-mail from Ms Ling.

Self: Who is Ms Ling? *blur sotong*

Mae: Liiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggg? *trying to jog my memory* From XYZ Magazine?

Self:…..

My brain went dead for a few seconds.

Self: Oh…………………….!!! Omigod!

Mae: Yeah.. it’s MS Ling, not MR LING!

Self: Oh God! This is so embarrassing!!

Mae: Yeah lah.. aiyah.. how ah?? How ah?

Mae was in between smiles and frowns again.

Self: Aiyah.. but she sounds like a man. When I call him… err.. her the other day, I was in doubt, man or woman.. Then I decided to call her Mr.

Mae looked strained.

Self: Aiyah.. how what? It is normal lah. Just call her to apologize lor. I think I will e-mail her.

Mae: She is too nice. Don’t even bother to correct us.

Self: Last time, when I was younger, at about age 13 to 14, I was flat-chested and had a very short hair cut. My cousin sister was with me in the gerai mamak she used to frequent. The owner mistook me as her new boyfriend!

Mae: Aiyoh..

Self: Then, in the pasar malam, when I was looking at some stuff, the tauke there ask me, “Hey Leng Chai! What are you looking for?”

Mae: Aiyah..

Self: Pilot boy said that James and I looked like brothers when we were shooting pool at Bravo. Both of us had a pony tail then.

Mae: Aiyah.. pilot boy is so mean lah.

Self: When I was back in TAR College in a restaurant, the owner asked me what I wanted when she saw me from my back (with pony tail), “Leng Chai, what you want for your drinks ah?” Then, when she saw my selamba face, she apologised profusely. “Aiyoh.. Sorry sorry. You look like a guy from behind!”

Mae: Aiyoh…

Self: So, it’s nothing. I was used to it also. Don’t worry. Just call her to apologize lor.. I will call her myself.

Then, Mae stopped "aiyoh-ing". Heh. It is easy to calm someone down when you tell them the worst case scenario. Nobody has mistaken me for a guy now. Years of facials and slight change in dressing finally paid off.


Later this morning, I called Ling.

Self: Hello, Ms Ling?

Ling: Yes, speaking.

Self: Gina here. Ms Ling, Very sorry ah. Mistaken identity.

Ling: It’s ok. It’s alright. I am used to it.

Self: I am worse. Last time, people also think I am a boy when they see me.

Ling: *laughed hysterically.* Yeah. I think both of us are the same. God somewhat put the wrong combination when He made us. (She still sounds very man-ish – the young man kinda voice – a very handsome voice. I was tempted to tell her that but decided against it)

Then, both of us laughed at our shortcomings.

FEET WORSHIPPER

CowGirl - RM40!

How many pairs of shoes a woman should own?

I have about 10 pairs of shoes in my shoe rack now. (excluding slippers and sport shoes). Half of them, I don’t really wear. I only wear those which are comfortable. In fact, I have a bad habit of wearing the same pair of shoes till they wear off. Then, why must I have 10 pairs of shoes if I only wear one pair at one time? Call it impulsive buying.

Most girlfriends I know own more than what I have. I think my modest 10 pairs as compared to theirs is a negligible figure. Imelda Marcos owns more than 1,000 pairs of shoes. How many shoes can she wear the entire year? If she were to wear all her shoes in a year, (it is not everyday she goes to a function), say, out of the 350 days, she would have worn an average of three pairs of shoes a day.

Does a woman genetically programmed to impulsively buy shoes? No matter how broke my best bud, WY is in any given month, she just has to buy a pair of shoes a month. Sounds like an old Guiness advertistment, “Gotta Have It.”

Does a woman stares at other’s people feet everyday to check out what they wear?

I once worked in a reputable bank where we had this Department Head whom every employee would love to hate. The female colleagues were always envious of her shoes collection. On a casual Saturday, DH wore a pair of apple green Blahnik with a purple t-shirt and jeans. Talk about bad dressing sense. When a female colleague told me that those shoes retailed at a price equivalent to our one month salary, I dismissed it as an utter stupidity. Even after watching Sex and the City, I still don’t understand what the fuss is all about. It is like “Men and their Cars”. This is “Women and their Shoes”.

History has proved to mankind that a woman’s feet are subject to the scrutiny of men. For instant, the Chinese prefer their wives feet bounded. It somewhat exudes eroticism to see a lady in bounded feet walk. Only the rich had the privilege to bind the feet of their female family members.

During the Ms USA 2004, a participant quipped, “I want to change the size of my feet. They are too big and ugly”, which was totally irrelevant to the question, “If you were given a chance to change a part of your past, what would it be?” It was a miracle she made it to the final five.

See how a woman can be so obsessive about her feet? Heck, even Sasha, at a tender age of 17 months knew how to buy expensive shoes.

My feet size is 7. Sometimes, 8 depending on the brand, make and type. I think if I lose more weight, I will be wearing a 6.

Oh, no. I think I have gotten on the band wagon to the land of females with compulsive shoes obsession disorder.

A VISIT AT THE DOC'S

Nope. This is not at the clinic that I worked for.

Self: Good morning, Dr.

Doc: Morning. How are you? So, you finish taking your medicine?

Self: Yes. Today’s is last portion.

Doc: Good. Now we take your weight first.

Dropped handphone, car keys and purse on Doc’s table. Going on to the scale.

Doc: I think you have lost weight, even without weighing. What have you done? Diet?

Self: No appetite to eat lah.

Doc: Wow! 6 kgs! That is a very good progress.

Delighted.

Doc: Just diet? No exercise?

Self: Nope. *laugh*

Doc: You have to incorporate some aerobic exercise in your routine. Else, when you lose weight, your whole body will be saggy. Try some aerobics. In fact, you can build muscles in two weeks time.

Self: So fast meh?

Doc: Yes. Now we take your blood pressure.

Self: Ok.

Doc: Any dizziness? Headaches?

Self: Nope.

Doc: Have you been sleeping well?

Self: Not really. Insomia for the past few nights. Work pressure, I guess.

(What work pressure?)

Nurse with big mole helped doc with the apparatus. Doc took blood pressure.

Doc: Very good. Very good. 130/80. Now, pulse.

Doc looking at his watch while placing his index and middle finger on my wrist, reading pulse.

Doc: 84. Good. Now, heart beat.

Doc put statoscope on chest. Self breathe in, breathe out. Doc nodding his head in approval.

Doc: Everything is fine. You’ll be okay. I will put you on the same medication for another month and we will see your progress again.

Self: Doc, how long must I take this medicine?

Doc: I’ll put you up till 7 to 9 months, the maximum.

Self: After that, how to control it?

Doc: Well, it is self..

Self: Sheer will power?

Doc: .. discipline. Yes. You have to depend on will power also.

Both of us laughed hysterically. The nurse with a big mole was emotionless.

Doc: Let me tell you. A lot of women who are on medication, they will hantam food coz they know they have this pill to rely on. Once they have lost weight, and they still hantam, they’ll increase their body weight to about 5 kgs. Then they’ll come back again for advice. This is not miracle pill. You have to work with it also. With proper diet and exercise, you will make it.

Self: Okay. Thanks, Doc.

Made a mental note to join gym next month.

YOUNG PRIMADONA IN THE MAKING

Young Primadona

It is very hard to capture Sasha's pic as she is super hyperactive.

These pics are taken coz she wore make up, much to my disapproval of putting so much chemicals on a child. I myself, don't wear make up, unless I have no choice.

She likes it very much. Vanity at such a young age.

RICKY'S ACCIDENT

A long day. Cousin brother, Ricky (Yes, after Ricky Martin. No, he doesn’t look like William Hung) was involved in an accident in our housing area this afternoon. The person who caused this accident, a 17-year old boy who just got his license the first day of this month!

Boy! He was so scared that I could hear his balls shrink!

Ricky was on his way to buy a newspaper when it happened. The shrinking balls guy (SBG) did not flash his car’s signal when he made a turn. So, Ricky did not have enough time to brake. He hit the car and fell.

He hurt his left arm and sustained cuts all over his hands, shoulders and feet.

Ricky called home and said that he was involved in an accident. SBG was waiting for his dad to tell him what to do. Boy. He totally freaked out. This incident would haunt him forever. His dad’s face was plastered with a confused and worried look when he came. We had to send him to the hospital.

Chatted with SBG’s father while waiting for Ricky to get medical attention. SBG’s dad was also scared shitless that we might lodge a police report against his son. I assured him that we will not lodge police report since it will cause his son to lose his license. Let this be a reminder to him to be more careful in near future.

Since the son and the dad being really polite and nice people, AND they were from Taiping, we decide to give it a miss and just let him settle the bill of repairing the motorbike and the hospital bills.

The hospital bill came to a zero. We went to Selayang Hospital. Waited about 2 hours since the docs there think this is not a critical case. Good thing that Ricky will be fine. Just a minor muscle stretch and, after a few days of rest, he would be ok. All these happened a week before his application to local university is confirmed. Sigh.

MY FIRST JOB

I was a clinic nurse.

You will never guess how I ended up being a clinic nurse.

A week after SPM, in absolutely no mood to celebrate for doing badly (it was BAD), I decided to punish self by not rewarding myself with a short holiday with my other schoolmates (they went to Pulau Langkawi – almost every Chinese students in my school, about 50 of them). Yes, I was a strict disciplinarian at that point of time.

Initially, I was asked by a former form five classmate to help her in the Super Market as a sales assistant, selling baby’s clothings. No interviews required. Three days before the first day at work, I was as sick as dog. I was down with terrible fever. As usual, being the typical miser, I just downed some Chinese herbs and swallow some panadol and slept for 3 days.

When I thought I was well enough, I called my friend to go to work with her.

While we were waiting for the bus under the hot prickly sun, out of a sudden, my vision was blurred. In split seconds, the world around me turned pitch black. Good thing it was only for a few seconds and my friend managed to get hold of me before I fell flat on my face.

As fate took its twist, there was a clinic about 5 minutes away from where we were standing. She quickly took me to the clinic and helped me with the registration, etc. I saw the signage “NURSES WANTED” at the registration counter.

After I saw the doc, I didn’t know what had got into me and enquired her about vacancy. She immediately asked me to assist her on the spot. I didn’t even ask her how much I would be paid. (This was my first unofficial interview and I wasn’t thinking). Well known among the residents of Selayang, she was one of the most expensive clinic docs there. She gave me free medication and hope to see me in a few days’ time. I was delighted. (or I was duped)

Two days later, I went to her clinic to work with her. She wasn’t the same friendly doc I met when I was sick. More stern, no-nonsense type of a woman. I thought of quitting the first day itself.

However, I managed to survive there for three months, braving all kinds of medical challenges, for instance, injured Indonesian workers due to accidents/police brutality, a drunk lorry driver cut his thigh open by falling into the loo, swollen eyes due to fighting, five abortions (a patient actually cycled home within half an hour coming out from her mild anaesthetia), inserting an egg-shaped (very very small – I can’t remember what is it called) tablet into toddlers’ asses for fever, a guy worrying he might have AIDS, young teens who scorned me for asking their marital status whilst they came to the clinic for pregnancy tests… just to name a few.

Learnt dirty politics. Being warned not to buy chicken rice from the seller who bonked his wife’s sister while the wife was pregnant. He married both of them (thought it is illegal to be a polygamist?) and a father of four children (then), later bonked his maid. And how a fish can help us to get rid of bad luck.

I guess I have no regrets. This is the most interesting job a school leaver could ever had.

SASHA

My Jantung Hati

WoO HoOOO!! I finally get this! (Yes, James! I am a DOPE!)

So, in more blogs to come, I will be like publishing pics like nobody's biz. Hahaha.

This is the love of my life now. Unfortunately she is not mine.

Mom baby-sitted her since Dec, 24, 2002. She is the best Christmas present that we've ever got!

NEW LOOK

Is this better compare to the mundane blue?

I think I am getting on someone nerves by changing this. Hehe.

WU NAME

Having nothing to do late Sunday night, after so much interruption of precious sleep by my forever noisy family members, I logged on to the internet to see what’s there to interest me.

Good thing I found this, to keep me entertained. Thanks, Shine!

Generate Your Wu-Name
Created: 1999-11-16
PHP Script to Generate Wu-Name

The PHP script Generate Your Wu-Name generates a random name based of an adjective and a noun an example is my Wu-Name: Drunken Conqueror.

The PHP script uses two plain text files, one that holds all of the adjectives and the other all of the nouns. The script reads these files into two arrays. The PHP function file(filename) reads the filename file into an array with each line being an element of the array.

So next all that is needed is to randomly pick elements from these arrays. However, I don't want this to be totally random because your Wu-Name should not change each time you enter it in. Thus, I'll start the random number generator with a seed number, which will be based on the name entered. Using the PHP function srand(seed_number), which works just likes Perl's function, and generates a random number.

To read more: click here.

Then, I wu-named the whole family (of coz I won’t tell you their names!!:p).

"Self" from this day forward
you will also be known as Dynamic Bastard

“Dad” from this day forward
you will also be known as Shrieking Dreamer

“Mom” from this day forward
you will also be known as Erratic Samurai

“Stick Insect Sister” from this day forward
you will also be known as Bitter Commander

“Brother” from this day forward
you will also be known as Ungrateful Samurai

Sigh… bad blood runs in my family.

Also, I wu-named some of my friends:

“A guy I fell in love with” from this day forward
you will also be known as Dynamic Warrior

“A guy I like” from this day forward
you will also be known as Jolly Overlord

“Best Bud WY” from this day forward
you will also be known as Expert Samurai

“James” from this day forward
you will also be known as Intellectual Wanderer (Ahak.. PTUI!!!)

Try it! It’s fun.

SURVIVOR FINALE - THE PRE-LIMINARY

Tonight, Malaysians will be watching the Finale of Survivor All-Star. Although I have watched it in Bangsar on Monday night and knew the result and what-not, I was held at gun-point by my brother, not to reveal it.

He is so serious till he didn't even read the Wed Star paper which has an article on Survivor which might make him know the result without some guessing game of suspense.

GingerlyYours (04:34 PM) :
sigh... finally can print already
ready for tonight's survivor??

brother(04:35 PM) :
yup, dun let me know who won

brother (04:35 PM) :
altho i predict is rob, as the others are hopeless

GingerlyYours (04:35 PM) :
there is one twist which is nice lah
the rest, all so bloody fake
you watch also u kenot tahan one
hehhee

brother(04:35 PM) :
last week, they got chance to get rid of him, but the idiot tom blew it

GingerlyYours (04:36 PM) :
yeah
f*cking shithead

GingerlyYours (04:40 PM) :
what day got article in the star on Survivor?
i wanted to read it

brother (04:41 PM) :
i think wed, either in sec 2 or metro

brother (04:41 PM) :
i saw the pic, i quickly skip

GingerlyYours (04:41 PM) :
ahhahahaha

brother(04:42 PM) :
usually ntv7 air after the US live. mana tau monday marvellous is a sponsored program. and the sponsor dun wanna budge

GingerlyYours (04:42 PM) :
stupid ass

brother (04:44 PM) :
which channel show it live ar? astro dun have rite?

brother (04:45 PM) :
wonder how they get live broadcast

GingerlyYours (04:45 PM) :
nope
not live lah
it was shown in the morning
then at nite, we watch it in bangsar
in some VCD or something

We have been following Survivor since day 1.

CAUSE AND EFFECT II

I went to my ex office again in Jalan Ipoh, where I was mugged by the Indian girl.

Much to my astonishment, my manager (ex), Ms Tambi was also given the same mugging trauma a few weeks before me!

This Indian girl, or little rascal (I would prefer) went up to the designated parking lot and waited patiently for her victims. (Wasted my brain cells to worry unnecessarily about her the other day!!)

Ms Tambi worked late that night, like any other nights. While she was walking towards her car, she saw the little rascal running towards her. She quickly went to her car (Big mistake!). When she was about to lock her car, this little rascal was swifter than Ms Tambi. She actually opened the passenger door and sat beside the unsuspecting Ms Tambi!

Ms Tambi was in unspeakable shock. Little rascal then demanded for RM10 (as opposed to extorting RM2 from me) in order for her to leave the car. This little rascal’s parents must have trained her well to have pulled this kinda stunt!

Good thing was, Ms Tambi regained her poise despite the little rascal’s heart-stopping stunt, and casually handed her RM1.

(This is a re-construction of the scene based on Ms Tambi's description)

Little Rascal: Tolong lah, aunty. Bagi saya RM10. Adik mahu minum susu.

Ms Tambi: Ambil ini RM1.

Little Rascal: RM10. Tak cukup untuk beli susu lah.

Ms Tambi: Kalau tak mau, RM1 pun I tak nak bagi.

Little Rascal: RM10!

Ms Tambi: Take it or leave it!

Little Rascal: ……

Then she took the RM1 and left.

Ms Tambi quickly locked the car door and thanked God that Little Rascal is not a man.

Moral of the story is: There is indeed a wolf in sheep clothing.

STONED

It has been awhile since I last drank till pissed drunk. The last time was during New Year’s Eve 2003. Yesterday was one of those days re-lived.

It all started with an innocent get-together for a movie thingy, “Secret Window” with Girlie, Fred and my best bud, WY.

Girlie’s new found friend decided to show up unexpectedly to take us out for some scrumptious lunch in SS2.

Abalone is a very cute 28 year old engineer from Port Dickson whom Girlie met from the internet. (Why am I not destined to meet cute fellas from the internet? WHY? Why? WHY? No offence, Fred).

So, this Abalone guy is obviously up to Girlie’s skirt. Like Soo (one of my college mate) used to say, “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why the male dog is sniffing up the bitch’s ass!” Hehe. How uncivilized of me having said that.

It was fun getting to know new friends possessing the same wave length. A day of a normally short outing of movie, coffee and some shopping were stretched to the next day, having a booze party in WY’s house and staying over.

Phew. I noticed that as we grew older, our alcohol tolerance level seemed to be deteriorating over time.

The worst puking incident I had was back in 2001, when I went on the first company trip. We had too much to drink coz the alcohol in Cherating was dirt cheap (I think we got the rather cheap brands – the alcohol smelt like nail polish remover). After some colleagues stood us up for some serious drinking session, we were pretty much had them on our own. The four of us downed 6 cans of beers and a bottle each of gin and vodka. We played some silly games, then made ourselves pissed drunk.

I passed out immediately after I finished the whole bottle of gin in a few gulps, only to wake up in the middle of the night, and puked my guts out. When I went to the basin to wash my face, I was shocked to see an alien in the mirror!

There I was, covered in my own puke from head to the shoulders. I didn’t even know that I puked in my own face. Lucky thing the next day newspaper headline did not read, “MORON DROWNED IN HER OWN PUKE”. And my boss didn’t fire me for being an alcoholic.

As usual, after a terrible hang over, one will swear off alcohol, never to touch them ever again.

Yet, history keeps repeating itself.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Friday, 7.43 p.m. Jalan Ipoh.

An appointment which is not kept, always drives me crazy. I dislike people who waste other people’s time as if they are entitled. That is the ugly side of selling insurance to total strangers.

So, there I was, being pissed after driving all the way down to KL from PJ to meet this piece of shit. Screw the person who comes up with the phrase “Customer is always right.”

Then when I was about to get into my car and go home to ease this pain of being stood up, an Indian girl, about 11 years of age, came rushing towards me calling me, “Aunty! Aunty!”. I think to myself, “Hey, I don’t look like Aunty ok??” Double blow!

She then, used her basket to obstruct me from closing my car door.

Indian girl who doesn’t know how to address a sweet young thing like me: “Aunty, tolong lah. Beli sikit kuih!”

Self: Tak nak! Tak mahu! Pergi! Pergi!

(No physical contact here even if I felt like giving her a “No Shadow Leg” kick)

IGWDKHTAASYTLM: Tolong lah. Tolong.

Self: Pergi! Tak nak!

IGWDKHTAASYTLM: Bagi saya RM2. Sudah beberapa hari saya tak makan.

Self: Makanlah kuih awak!

IGWDKHTAASYTLM: Tolong lah. RM2.

Self: Kalau awak tak lepas, saya panggil polis!

She abruptly removed her basket.

IGWDKHTAASYTLM: Panggil polis lah!

Babbling something in Tamil.

Self: Phew!

Locked the doors. Broke in cold sweat. Watching her to see if she will start scratching my car with 50 sen coin.

She did not move from the side of my car. Then she slowly walked towards the behind of my car and waited there.

Thinking to myself: “Shit! Will she obstruct me from reversing my car? Worse! She will make me reverse into her and ask me for compensation!”

I waited for her to go away.

She walked away to the opposite side of the road and started mumbling to herself.

I was totally freaked and quickly reversed my car and hit the gas.

Throughout the entire journey home, riddled with crazy traffic jam at such ungodly hour, I was disturbed. Why her parents make her sell kuihs at night? Child labor is allowed in Malaysia? It was so dangerous. The place was dark and there happened to be a lot of truck drivers waiting for people who would rent their trucks to shift things. What will happen to her if she is still there? What will happen if she didn’t get the RM2 from me?

I would have drove back there to give her RM10, just to make sure she would go home after that, if it wasn’t for the damn jam.

I felt like a total shit for not giving her some money. Who knows? She really is in need? Who knows? She was being used by her parents to beg for money? Does she go to school in the morning? Or is she working for a syndicate exploiting children? She has too many siblings that her parents can’t afford to feed them?

At this point, I started to curse these people who could not afford to have children yet, do not want to use protection when indulging in the passion of the flesh. If can’t afford it, don’t screw too much.

As I was eating my RM4 nasi lemak for dinner, I was still ridden with guilt. I could afford a RM4 nasi lemak for a 15 minutes dinner, but I can’t give her RM2 which would probably save her from being caned at home for one night.

WHAT IS LIFE?

Yesterday night, after a long day, I sat down thinking (An idle mind is the devil’s workshop). I have this question which had been lingering in my head for as long as I can remember.

What is the meaning of life? Is it mere existence to sustain the human race? Why are we being born at the first place? Allow me to jog your memory on our human life cycle:

Baby (expensive maternity charges) ---> Growing stage (diapers, teething, toilet training) ---> Pre-School (get bruises from bicycle accidents, fishing in the drain without parent’s knowledge) ---> School (giving teachers hard time) ---> University (happy hour – you get to live on your own and participate in orgies) ---> Get a job (this is tricky) ---> Get a mate(s) (this is even trickier) ---> Have kids (ensure that good genes are being passed on) ---> Kids getting on your nerves (results from bad genes) ---> Grow Old (Wrinkles, osteoporosis, cholesterol, lack of sex drive) ---> Your kids go through the same cycle from Baby to Get a Mate (if you are lucky, these happened without much hitches) ---> Grow older (you might want to save some money to finance yourself throughout the stay at old folks home. Pray that you don’t live that long to see to this) ---> Die (cost you another RM25k at today’s present value – cremation, not buried. RM18,000 if you were being cremated in Taiping).

So, what is the point of living?

A friend once told me when we were like 13, we were born into this world to give love and get love. Is that it?

Forgive me for being such a wet blanket. Perhaps, I have yet to attain certain stages in the life cycle as I am STILL on the “Get a Job” stage (probably that explains my cynicism and depression).

If you spread out the newspaper today, you get to see all kinds of news, mostly bad ones, murder, incest, child abuse, robbery, war, abusing prisoners-of-war, etc. I know I should thank my lucky star of being born in Malaysia and not some war ridden countries.

Then, out of the blue (perhaps it’s fated), I came across last Sunday StarMag, which featured a person struggling to live beyond doctor’s expectation of his nose cancer. I was so touched by the article.

People here, they treasure life one day at a time as if it were their last. And I am here, bitching about life short-comings which is so much more petty compare to their struggles to maintain a life.

Even if I don’t know the answer till this very day, I guess each and everyone of us are being placed here for a purpose. A purpose we will never know till it actually happens. Like Simon Birch believes that God made him for a special, heroic purpose.

And this comes from a self-declared pagan.

SURVIVOR... AGAIN

One the way to Johor, in a friend's Kelisa, stucked in a horrendous traffic jam somewhere near Senawang..

12.54 am

Self: Who got voted out in Survivor?? I am on my way to Johor now.

1.01 am

Brother: Shi Ann. Tried too hard to stir things up but to no avail. u not going to taiping?

1.02 am

Self: Nope. They'll be there till end of next week. Who won immunity?

1.03 am

Brother: Unbelievably Big Tom.

1.03 am

Self: Woah... then who won reward challenge? How did he win it? I mean, using brains or strength? coz he doesnt have either!

1.08 am

Brother: Reward is their family eating weird stuff. Big Tom's son won. immunity game is build fire and add water at the other end to raise the fire to light up something.

It is a good thing that you have like minded friends or family members who are more than happy to supply you the details if you ever missed an episode.